Wanting:

Don’t you want to disappear into this Max Mara “Here Is The Cube” video, cozy in a Max Mara Cube coat, exploring Le Corbusier’s Cité Radieuse…

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Hating:

So I haven’t actually tried Organix Coconut Milk Leave-In Nourishing Milk. Maybe it works as well as organic coconut oil for your hair.

I mean, I do get five servings of fruit out of a package of Fruit Roll-Ups.

Who needs an apple a day…

Using:

My hair stylist Sally Saito turned me onto Moroccanoil before it was cool, but I’ve ditched it in favor of organic coconut oil (yep, the same you’d cook with. And I mean you — I don’t cook). A rain drop-sized amount of coconut oil kills frizz better than Moroccanoil (or too-heavy, ancient-beauty-secret argan oil, which is Moroccanoil’s marketing magic ingredient [their real secret sauce is cosmetic-grade silocones]).

Organic coconut oil has been proven to penetrate your hair’s cuticle like no other conditioner, makes a great body and face moisturizer during winter, and my German Shedder Shepherd Major Dukes eats it to keep his hair glossy.

The only way I’d feel better about using organic coconut oil for my hair is if it cost $199 a jar. Paying $9.99 for a hair product is just ridick…

Using:

I might be embarrassed about finding a handcrafted, $900 solid sterling silver German Shepherd bangle bracelet I dig. But it’s not like I’m some nutty dog lady. I’ve got other sexy, important ish going on.

Like looking at custom car colors by Mercedes in the sunlight, twirling my hair, comparing Henry James’s novel The Wings of The Dove to the 1997 same-name movie, and using my new fur squeegee to harvest hair off of Major Dukes‘s custom Porsche dog car seat, to be woven into a scarf.

I’m kidding.

About twirling my hair…

Using:

Check that pebbled nose, those slick whiskers, that majestic flowing coat. I’d trade my collection of vintage Hermes scarves for this vintage German Shepherd dog scarf –

If five-figures of dough was rolled up in it…

Hating:

I’ve been wearing a German Shepherd dog sweater every day for over a year, and mine beats Balenciaga’s dog sweater: it works well with my made-to-order, monogrammed shirtdresses, retails for twenty times Balenciaga’s ridick price, and doesn’t make me look like an idiot (just an attention-hungry middle child).

The bummer about my German Shepherd dog sweater?  It leaves practically another dog sweater on its custom Porsche dog seat, but I bet this angora-blend Balenciaga German Shepherd dog sweater sheds just as much. The only bonus? No one would want to pet this one or its owner…
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Hating:

So Ayn Rand actually intended for her novels to work as right-wing political propaganda. But I’m so over the products of an amazing mind being hijacked by people who assume Ayn was and rhymes with “man,” who have no idea that Alisa Rosenbaum was a Jewish chick who watched her family ruined by the Russian Revolution, escaped to New York in her early 20s during the late, frothy 1920s, and would write for days straight without sleep or food, but with her little helper Benzedrine.

But WWJD? Jesus would make vaguely Buddhist, subtly commie comments, flip over tables in temples, and curse his disciples.

Then slay a giant T. rex nicknamed Goliath…

Wanting:

“These Machines Kill Fascists” pencils are charming, and somewhat ironically, because the un-techie tool makes me long for a little anti-democracy, for an Age of Innocence, for when the barrier to entering the public world of written word went beyond access to an online email machine.

And let’s put my BA degree in Pseudo-Intellectual Masturbation to work, let’s discuss how these “These Machines Kill Fascists” pencils have a point beyond their sharpened tip, only let’s not forget that fascists often own the machines that make the machines that kill fascists.

Yes, let’s not — only not now. Because those are 140 characters for another time — I’ve got to update my German Shepherd Major Dukes’s Facebook page…

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Using:

What’s a better brow pencil better than an old-school no . 2? Since the soft shadowing of a charcoal no . 2 pencil is universally flattering, there’s none.

Except for a no. 2 pencil branded by a fancy hotel and photographed next to a gold President and custom “K” signet pinkie ring…