Shiri Zinn dildo $1,750, Kiki DM.com

If dude’s just grinding and groaning, unminding and moaning, a quick in and out without a shout or some sugar –

Dude’s no better than a dild.

Espesh since the dild works without talking, without any risk of drama.

Or asking me about my shoes.

Christian Louboutin bag $1,690, Louboutin New York

» Bag Bliss introduces the latest Alpaca lamb clutch by Christian Louboutin.
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» WELOVEBEAUTY.com wants YOU to vote for the look of 2007.
» eBeautyDaily pits Lorac and Diorshow against each other in a mascara war.

Signed Kieselstein Cord alligator ring $1,895, Beladora.com*

Nice is nice.

Bite is better.

Life’s too short, like your skirt: why waste it always on a stage, playing to other people, entertaining everyone else?

Close the curtain, end your show, go VIP and play only with for yourself.

Do what you want to do, do who you want to do, and when someone’s a catty kitty, a total pussy cat–

Bite back.

* Beladora is giving 2% of its holiday online sales to Lynne Cohen Foundation, which researches ovarian cancer.

This crystal Devi Kroell clutch is exactly how a woman should be:

Built unique on her own solid, original base; confidently bold with smart, almost blinding shine; and naturally exclusive about what she lets into her.

Relatedly–

Like a boss Devi Kroell clutch, you should be motherf**king expensive.

» Devi Kroell box clutch $1,890, Net-a-Porter.com

I splash my gaze on The Boy over the champagne fizz of his jacuzzi, watching him walk ’round his patio, backgrounded by a moving postcard view of Los Angeles’ coast. Spotlighted by the sunshine is his house with empty servants’ quarters 25% bigger than my shoe box home, is his groomed grass, is almost everything he’s earned–

Including the pool he’s cleaning.

I pull my topless top half out of the hot bubbly, so he can hear me when I ask, “What if we play out a pool boy porno?”

The Boy laughs, not looking up from the baby blue water he’s skimming. “So that’s what you’re thinking about, little fucker, while I work? That’s–”

“Pool boy,” I interrupt. “Pool boy, when are you coming into the jacuzzi?”

Under his surface seriousness I see a smile. “Soon, miss.”

“I’d prefer immediately, Pool Boy.” I slap wet the Italian tiles of his hot tub, with authoritative impatience. “Please strip, right now.”

“You know I prefer to pretend that I do you voluntarily, miss.”

KEEP READING »

S-E-X isn’t a dirty deed you do in the dark with a dude.

Sex is a lush luxury you lavish yourself with because you deserve it, sex is a selfish pleasure you indulge in with someone worthy, sex is an intelligent tool to celebrate living the life you love.

Sex is a Lelo vibrator, handcrafted in 18K gold, richly minimalist for a solid vibe, VIP private; and sex and a Lelo vibrator are your perfect accessory for that boring party you’re attending.

Make a line for the bathroom.

» Lelo “Yva” vibrator $1,750, KikiDM.com.com

Patent leather isn’t only for a very Pretty Woman. Patent leather–quilted into Chanel chic, in a jet-set jet, Birkin-boxy bag–is pure uptown girl.

You know, the girls who trade S-E-X for whining and dining instead of a fast flash of cash. Unlike other ladies sporting patent leather, instead of getting a grand a night, country club chicks lock in a long-term lease, they trade access to their body for access to a trust fund, Park Ave. penthouse, and a nanny for their boring babies.

All gloss and boss, just like their marriage to the dude who paid for them, this Roberto Cavalli bag is glassy class, but structured stiff and hardly romantic.

Not like when you sex yourself.

» Roberto Cavalli bag in quilted patent leather $1,790, eLUXURY

Though Christian Louboutin put an Alpaca to non-use, and I do love animals more than PETA–

This Christian Louboutin bag is double-kill with calfskin handles, and it isn’t even haute.

Or hot.

A blob of brown fur, maybe if Christian Louboutin worked in an endangered animal I’d dub it boss.

» Alpaca Christian Louboutin bag $1,695, Saks

You could park your money in a Park Ave. shoe box, you could stuff Benjamins under your mattress with your dirty lingerie, you could watch it grow thinner than Nicole Richie in a mutual fund, or you could invest your money in precious metals–

Like a silver metallic Moschino bag.

The twinkle of the crinkle leather is fresh for fall, the brown edging grounds the Moschino bag’s bright risk, and its basic Birkin bag shape makes your buying the Moschino bag as safe as Google’s bluechip stock–

You’ll be sure to resell the metallic Moschino bag on eBay after you tire of it.

» Silver metallic Moschino bag $1,769, Zappos.com

Monsieur Louis Vuitton knows love.

Love isn’t that easy arm candy that wanted to hook up with you and your little black Versace dress to boost his own self-worth. Love isn’t either a vanilla, virginal, Puritanical white.

Love is smartly constructed of platinums and golds, love is built on a reputation of quality, love costs you hustling hard.

Despite the efforts of Canal Street and that dude in Little Italy, love cannot be counterfeited–

Love knows its own worth and love demands your own best.

And love doesn’t go with Steve Madden’s “Louboutins.”

» “That’s Love” Louis Vuitton bag $1,720, eLUXURY