Alberta Ferretti Schuhe $595, eLUXURY

Das Leben wird nicht bedeutet, um eine Verwicklung der gebundenen oben Wünsche, eine Torsion der Leitungen zu sein, die in Durcheinander gesponnen werden.

Das Leben sollte Ihr eigener stolzer Weg als Stilett gerade sein, sollte Bogen des Lebens wie eine Vierzoll Ferse so ehrgeizig sein, und das Leben sollte nie über Sie unten gurten sein.

Es sei denn es diese Alberta Ferretti Schuhe, trashy Wäsche und Knechtschaftklebeband miteinbezieht.

Fendi Hologrammkupplung $722, Trendora.com

Sie haben zwei weitere Wochen, zum einer Fendi Hologrammkupplung zu gewinnen. Die besten Sachen im Leben sind nicht, also frei, während ich bin eine Fendi Hologrammkupplung weg geben* mit Eboutique Trendora™, ist es keine gelegentliche Zeichnung.

Sie müssen unterzeichnen Sie oben hier und erklären Sie uns, warum Sie diese Chef Fendi Kupplung verdienen.

Eintragungen brauchen nicht, wie die episch zu sein MODEs, das mehr als Sie wiegen: gerechter Namenstropfen Heidi Fleiss, Verbindung zu einem YouTube vid voll der Schoßtänze und des schmutzigen Gespräches und Sie sind ein wahrscheinlicher Sieger.

Als immer, Sie Damen wirklich lassen Sie mich sich berühren wünschen berühren Sie mich.

XXXO,
K

* Wettbewerb beendet 31. Dezember 2007. Ein Sieger wird 1. Januar 2008 gewählt.

Barbara Bui boot $745 $670 with promocode “kristopher” *, ShopJake.com

Life’s not a bitch, life’s a beautiful woman with legs ready to spread.

Because of brain, you can dine with her on animals twice as brawny as you, without any more effort than lifting your little finger for a waiter.

You can bed her in a flat higher than fowl fly, you can travel with her faster than a cheetah, you can–

Dress for life in an urbane Barbara Bui boot, made of three different beasts: black suede, black fox fur, black patent leather.

The Barbara Bui boot’s 4½” heel is all ambitious arch, like life should lie down and curve her back for you.

It’s good to be on top–of the food chain.

* GET 10% OFF SHOPJAKE.com WITH PROMOCODE “KRISTOPHER” UNTIL JANUARY 1, 2008.

Giuseppe Zanotti shoes with hidden wedge $654, Couture.Zappos.com

pas·sive ag·gres·sive in·come [pas-iv uh-gres-iv in-kuhm] noun. income you thought would be passive, but you have to secretly work for.

Ex: You thought your rich fiancé was easy money, but he’s turned into passive-aggressive income: you need to arrange threesomes to keep your stock of Giuseppes multiplying.

Fendi Hologram clutch $722, Trendora.com
Give yourself a happy Christkwanzhanukkah, and sign up to win a Fendi hologram clutch. The best things in life aren’t free, so while I’m giving away a Fendi hologram clutch with e-boutique Trendora™, it’s no random drawing.

You’ve got to sign up here and tell us why you deserve this boss Fendi clutch*.

Entries mentioning making more money than god and/or a personal life goal of always wanting to have sex with yourself receive special consideration.

As always, you ladies really make me want to touch myself touch me.

XXXO,
K

* Contest ends December 31, 2007. A winner will be chosen January 1, 2008.

Roberto Cavalli sandal with gold snake $823, Couture.Zappos.com

Though most chicks are snakes, you’re one loyal Eve.

You’ve only one thick skin you don’t shed, you’re married to building your own heaven on earth, and you’ve never tempted anyone to sin.

Excepting at that bachelorette’s party in New Orleans.

But really, you offered the stripper quite an education on dancing to “Like a Virgin.” Not to mention a charitable donation to his kid’s college savings, in the form of $1 bills.

Has Brangelina ever done such good?

Fendi Hologram clutch $722, Trendora.com

The best things in life aren’t free, everything priceless is never priced less: think an early exit in a f**k-you shoe, think driving a buck-fifty in a Porsche, think…

Sex.

So I’m giving away a Fendi hologram clutch with e-boutique Trendora™, but this time it’s no random drawing. You’ve got to sign up here and tell us why you deserve this boss Fendi clutch*.

Entries mentioning lap dances for the girl named Kristopher who speaks of herself in the third person receive special consideration.

Consider this a holiday thank you for you lovelies reading all the time. It really makes me want to touch myself touches me.

XXXO,
K

* Contest ends December 31, 2007. A winner will be chosen January 1, 2008.

Miu Miu pumps with jeweled heels $650, Net-a-Porter.com

I’ve heard first impressions are important. But I’ve also heard I shouldn’t speed, I shouldn’t swear, and I shouldn’t write anything but nice.

People talk a lot of bull.

So check these boss Miu Miu shoes. From the front, the peep toes strap down boring, but the black and white jeweled heel is studded rich for when you turn on your heels, perfect for a final, fabulous “F**k you.”

Make an exit, leave the party early, go home and work (on your career or the Ken doll you met at the bash).

Because life isn’t about where you begin–it’s about where you end.

Which is hopefully on top, no matter what you’re working on.

Miu Miu shoes with jeweled heels $650, Net-a-Porter.com

What styles this Miu Miu shoe less a f**k-me shoe and more a f**k-you shoe?

Patent leather that anything slides off of, because it’s better to be respected than liked.

A mad red, because it’s better to be feared than fawned over.

An unapologetically rich heel for an ambitious arch, because it’s better to stand tall alone than crumple against a shoulder.

And it doesn’t hurt that when you wear these Miu Miu shoes, you’ll want to sex yourself.

I’m taking a break from stringing dirty words together, flipping between porn and Money.com, when my iPhone rings. It’s The Boy.

“Sexy one,” I answer.

“I went to check out that table, for the kitchen nook,” The Boy says. “It’s really, really nice. Probably worth 25 grand. But I want to get him down to $7,500. The seller, this Italian dude, wants $10,000. He was freaking out at the idea of taking less. I could tell he’s emotionally attached to this table, so I try to get into his head, to figure out how to motivate him. So finally I tell him, ‘I completely know how you feel, you’d rather donate this table to a charity than sell it below the right price. You call me if you change your mind.’ And he nods his head.”

“You worked him harder than I worked you on our first date,” I say. “So he’ll call you when he knows he can’t get 10 grand for his table.”

“It’s like when you want to get a chick to lick your balls,” says The Boy, “you’ve got to convince her they’re candy.”

“Who needs an MBA when they’ve got you on speed dial?” I ask. “And I think you persuaded me they were a soy latte.”

» Kiki de Montparnasse C-ring $795, Kiki DM.com

If you ever think marrying money is more respectable than menaging with men for money, remember this:

A housewife is just a less hot hooker in a long-term lease.

Wifey’s tethered to an allowance, while the pretty woman’s doing whoever she pleases whenever she wants, for however much money she can get.

So who’s the better business woman?

» Stella McCartney thigh-high boots $965, Net-a-Porter

“Grab our left overs,” says The Boy, soft shutting his Porsche’s door.

“Why?”

“We can’t leave it in the car.” And though I’m not sure why, I take the food and we walk to my building, an Art Deco bit of bricks. “I’m so curious to finally see your place,” says The Boy. “And I’m so ready to crash.”

I realize he wants to spend the night at my place, and though we’ve slept together in over five countries of apartments, hotels, planes, and trains, I go shy and say, “I don’t think you want to.”

“Why not? Is your other boyfriend coming over later?”

“My only other boyfriend is my right hand. And I like to think of it as a hot chick.”

KEEP READING »

This Chloe Iren brooch is how a boss lady should style: all smart lines and determined shapes, all sharp glitter and pure virgin whites.

Which reminds me–this Chloe Iren brooch would also work great to pin up that skirt of yours, the one that just hits your knees.

Because like a lady, this Chloe Iren brooch gets it:

Life is short. Your skirt should be, too.

» Chloe Iren brooch $615, Net-a-Porter.com

With Halloween hung over, it’s time to prep presents for Kwanzanukkah, to play selfless, to –

Gift those who gift you richly the best.

It’s just good business.

But before your buying spree, invest in a something for yourself, like these two-tone bowed Christian Louboutin shoes. All boss black and serious satin, these Christian Louboutin shoes bow-tie yourself into your own gift.

The ambitious arch will have you watch your walk into your meeting.

And kill it.

» Christian Louboutin shoes with bow $925, Net-a-Porter

There’s something boss about a Louis Vuitton bum bag.

The Louis logo brags European chic to balance the bum bag’s timeless tourist vibe, to equal classic style.

Like getting mugged in New York’s Times Square, or, similarly–

Getting fucked up the ass.

» Louis Vuitton bum bag $710, eLUXURY

Alberta Ferretti shoes $745, Net-a-Porter.com

“Fuck you” shoes are heels with an ambitious arch, a solid sole, “fuck you” shoes are a decidedly bold shoe you’ve earned that stands tall alone, figuratively — they’re confident like you — and literally — they style boss with just trashy lingerie.

“Fuck you” shoes mean you’re on top, whether you’re single or partnered.

And “fuck me” shoes?

“Fuck me” shoes are overpriced designer duds inviting you to get fucked by any dude you think might be able to pay off the credit you used to buy the heels.

Can I get a “fuck yeah”?