And I luvz you, even though you imply there’s something strange about wearing trashy lingerie around the house. I’ll consider putting on some real clothes to work in, but before I do, let’s find you your tiniest hourglass (which is a much more worthy way to waste our time than on charities).

Agent Provocateur makes a chic cincher that’s second-skin enough to slip under your littlest black dress when you go to work–lewd wink–and boss enough to belt a virgin-white buttondown–

For church on Sunday.

You’ve got to persuade Jesus to forgive your sins somehow, and dude did hang with hookers.

XXXO,
K

» Agent Provocateur cincher $185 via Agent Provocateur.com
» Locate an Agent Provocateur boutique near you.

Thanks,
Camilla

I’m always full of advice, always full of soy lattes, always full of _____ (feel free to leave a comment and fill in the blank, you dirty, lovely things).

It’d be obvious to rock your fur boots with some second-skin pants and a tunic, but–

You’re not obvious. So check this boss little red dress by Karen Zambo Vintage Couture ($330). Neither vintage nor couture, it’s a simple shift in a red, sunset print, and the fresh frock will style cheeky chic against your furry boots, without being overly gimmicky.

Unlike this punch line.

XXXO,
K

» Fur boots $375 $225 via ColeHaan.com

» Want to know how to rock a leopard skirt, where to buy trashy lingerie, or the meaning of life? Email KRiSTOPHER.

Because you used the gosh darn “F” word as often as I do when I’m feeling romantic–with myself, likely–, I’m charmed to solve your fashion dilemma.

Gold heels would be B(eyonce)-grade cheese, you’re right. So slip on a pair of metallic heels that glimmer between platinum and gold, like these metallic Rupert Sanderson shoes. Thin straps keep the shine light so your dress and hot bod are upgraded, not upstaged. Total first date shoes, the heels are sweet sans vibing saccharine, they’re–

Motherfucking boss, right?

XXXO,
K

» Rupert Sanderson shoes $595 via Net-a-Porter.com

When it comes to first date S-E-X, to sipping champagne before the cliche toast it was poured for, to boss designer duds waiting in your wardrobe, I wonder—

Why wait?

Life is short.

And your fall skirts should be, too.

XXXO,
K

» Jay Ahr dress $2,650, Net-a-Porter

Your boss Giuseppe Zanotti shoes say it all: sex isn’t dirty or mushy.

Sex is sharp like a 4¼” stiletto, rough like leopard-print ponyskin, sex should be ambitiously arched, and sex will–

Cost you.

Just like this jersey turtleneck Bi La Li dress. A slightly second-skin cover-up set off by an open back, like your Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, the shift says you’re a freak on the streets and a lady between the sheets.

Wait, scratch that, reverse it.

Then bend it over backwards.

XXXO,
K

» Giuseppe Zanotti shoes $599, Couture.Zappos.com

» Bi La Li dress $400, eLUXURY

Thank you

The closest I could find to Cameron Diaz’s peep-toe boots in In Her Shoes are these Givenchy open-toe boots–

But these open-toe boots are sold out on Zappos Couture.

Your other options, lovely? A thickly T-strapped Gucci sandal ($382), Faith’s open-toe boots (£45/$92), or–

Figuring out how to turn Tom Ford straight, because, though my name is Kristopher and I like boys, I don’t think his sexual orientation moons around me.

How will that help you get Cameron Diaz’s open-toe boots? Not sure.

XXXO,
K

I am searching for a pair of heels like what Victoria Beckham wore when throwing the first pitch at the Dogers game (Victoria Beckham: Coming to America).

Any suggestions?

xoxo,
Karina

Yes.

Say thanks to the gods at Brown’s e-boutique: Victoria Beckham’s $600 Dries van Noten sneaker wedges are sold out. But, though I’m fashion nazi in my uniform of flapper frocks, piles of black eyeshadow, and hooker heels, if you dig something and it flatters your hot bod, rock it. So scour eBay for Posh’s Dries van Noten sneaker wedges, or–

Invest your Bennies in lace-up Dolce & Gabbana shoes instead.

» Lace-up Dolce & Gabbana shoes $417 via Amazon.

Thanks, *kisses*
G

You may want to pump up and pimp out your fav suit, but skip risking LaLohan-worthy slips and buy a padded swimsuit instead.

Forget a string bikini: I’m no prude, but walking nearly naked in public is bad business. Your hot body at least ought to cost a nice dinner.

I mean it should be saved for that special someone, that love of your life.

Like yourself.

So check this Victoria’s Secret tankini: navy is sleeky chic, and the top is fully lined with a push-up, padded Miracle Bra®.

» Miracle Bra® tankini $33 via Victoria’s Secret.

Thanks.

Thank you for styling different, lovely.

Some ladies think it too obvious to rock a low-cut dress if you’re rigged for it.

I say play up your best features. You’ve got legs 12 miles long? Rock a dress cut up to your crotch. You’ve got a Coke bottle figure? Keep doing that wasp-y waist silhouette, whether or not Kate Moss scrapped the look.

And you’ve got knockers? Check this Lotta Stensson dress. A classic cocktail dress, a deep V-neck is balanced by its being in chocolate brown, which is set off with a heart-strapped sash, which–

Will have you giving ScarJo a run for what makes her money.

» Lotta Stensson dress $117 via Bluefly

I’m looking for a bathing suit for the 4th of July that’s cheeky chic but really sexy. Something different from the usual black bikini I wear all the time. Any suggestions?

Love,
Tila

You might have noted the retro one-pieces swimming ’round this summer. And swim gear coyly celebrating womenswear of half a century ago is way cute.

Like a burka.

So stray from the modestly dressed siren song of those who say enjoying your body is sinful, and celebrate your hourglass with a tiger-print Michael Kors bikini. The smart design of Michael Kors’ swim wear leaps through gold hoops, keeping Michael Kors’ bikini boss instead of only obvious S-E-X. And the bikini was $450, it’s now $315 at Vivre.

Yep, “was,” as in past tense, as in, “Swim wear that covers more than what a freakum dress would was chic.

“Before your mom was born.”

» Tiger-print Michael Kors bikini $315 via Vivre.com