Affidi il vostro compatto di Chanel nel paese, luce di corsa al vostro partito di festa:

I vostri soldi, mente, macis, mobile ed immagine doppia dovuta al tergitamburo dei tre condoms nella a Frizione del Ted Rossi, un nastro di un argento avvolge.

Utilizzi lo specchio che il cuoio metallico triplice-si controlla spesso come gradite, senza chiunque che sa.

E voi che dov-sembrate caldi, ancora migliore del tizio state ballando con.

Così ditch lui e voi e Ted Rossi avete una punta rapida di divertimento da voi nella stanza da bagno.

» Frizione $325, Vivre.com del Ted Rossi

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Ciò Pattino di Givenchy è come il sesso dovrebbe designare: presentazione playfully dura, astuto erotic, uguale del femme delle parti e dominazione maschile.

E come il sesso, bugie di successo di questo pattino di Givenchy in dettaglio relativi: un cover-up spesso supplementare esagera un'esposizione di pigolio di una punta di pigolio, le viti prigioniere lucidate molto piccole gocciolano bagnato-come sopra una pelle bella e un arco sumptuous è ispirato lungamente e duro da qualcosa e

Forse dovrei smettere di guardare il porn fra le lettere sporche di amore di scrittura a voi.

» Givenchy calza $535, Barneys.com

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“Vaffunculo„ pattini sono i talloni con un arco ambizioso, una suola solida, “vaffunculo che„ calzate siete un pattino decisamente GRASSETTO avete guadagnato che basamenti solo alto, figurato - sono sicuri come voi - e letteralmente - designano la sporgenza con biancheria trashy giusta.

“Vaffunculo„ calzate la media che siete sulla parte superiore, se siete singoli o partnered.

E “scopilo„ pattini?

“Scopilo„ pattini sono overpriced i duds del progettista inviting you to get fucked by any dude you think might be able to pay off the credit you used to buy the heels.

Can I get a “fuck yeah”?

» Alberta Ferretti shoes $745, Net-a-Porter.com 

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This Parisian Abaco bag is like a man: you want it to mellow into maturity, to age smart, to–

Have plenty of years to get great in bed.

See the Abaco bag’s front pouch? How it’ll just fit some extremely modest pajamas, perhaps a bunny-print onesie?

That’s what I meant.

You dirty motherfucker.

» Abaco bag $635, Shop Intuition.com

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Even a boyfriend who hit 50 countries in a year was impressed with how I stuffed my “Betty Boopy shit” into a single bag for our one-week trip hitting four cities.

While flying buses aren’t excepted from my uniform of hooker heels and flapper frocks–

I pack like a dude.

And I always carry on. When you check in, you’re check yes to a risk of losing luggage, you check yes to your goodies getting fondled worse than you on prom night, you check yes to at least a half-hour that could be better spent with $10 on an iced soy latte at the airport Starbucks.

So check this carry-on Diane von Furstenberg luggage. The expandable suitcase is lined with DvF logos and a detachable toiletries kit, the pretty pewter makes the Diane von Furstenberg suitcase hard to lose sans shouting “Steal me” like a Louis print, and the boss DvF suitcase has rolling wheels, a necessary convenience when you travel alone and–

Haven’t eaten anything since yesterday.

Have a happy Labor Day weekend jetaway, lovelies.

XXXO,
K

» Diane von Furstenberg suitcase $200, eBags.com

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Dear Kristopher motherfucking Dukes,
I have a fashion question and I thought I should ask you. Why? Because you rock so hard you make men pee in their suits. I have a matte gold dress with satin accents, deep V-neck, open back that ties at the back neck and hits mid-calf… My question: what fucking heels to rock? The thought of only gold makes me think cheese, and black is horrid.
Jax

Because you used the gosh darn “F” word as often as I do when I’m feeling romantic–with myself, likely–, I’m charmed to solve your fashion dilemma.

Gold heels would be B(eyonce)-grade cheese, you’re right. So slip on a pair of metallic heels that glimmer between platinum and gold, like these metallic Rupert Sanderson shoes. Thin straps keep the shine light so your dress and hot bod are upgraded, not upstaged. Total first date shoes, the heels are sweet sans vibing saccharine, they’re–

Motherfucking boss, right?

XXXO,
K

» Metallic Rupert Sanderson shoes $595 via Net-a-Porter.com

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A five-inch heel in cognac leather that’s second-skin up to your knees means these boss Christian Louboutin boots will have you looking like a very pretty woman come fall double-oh-seven.

These Christian Louboutin boots–with your little virgin white dress–may style you so pretty a woman, that these “fuck me” “fuck you” boots might pay for themselves.

Lewd wink, wink.

Because, you know, a monk will see you on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood and offer to take you to a classy dinner of holy bread and alcohol-free wine that costs about a grand.

That’s what I was implying.

» Christian Louboutin boots $1,295, Net-a-Porter.com

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