Prada shoes with flower heels $590, Neiman Marcus.com

A bouquet of blossoms is just a bunch of dead plants.

The only flowers worth presenting on V Day are these Prada shoes.

Gift yourself these flower Prada shoes, slip them on your stems, and put out.

As for your toyfriend –

You can’t say “I love you” without a big, capital “I.”

R & Y Augousti bag $295 , Barneys.com

Irregular but right angles of bronze frame a slice of stingray, hard hugging a sliver of ostrich. Boss black for white tie, this R & Y Augousti bag is as green as it gets.

How many other designers love animals as much as R & Y Augousti?

$295 at Barney’s. Tax, a guiltless consciousness that prizes skyscrapers over mountains, and Hummer with chinchilla-covered seats and hummers from hookers not included.

Christian Louboutin shoes, “Declic,” $640, Net-a-Porter.com

A lot of living life is as simple and clean as standing as tall as possible — not lying on your back, letting things come to you.

Unless you’re in a million-thread-count bed sheets, your legs stretching to the ceiling, your feet in these red-soled, f**k-you shoes.

You know, writing an opposite-of-wet business plan.

That can also prove profitable.

Bionda Castana shoes $629, Bianda Castana.com

Sex isn’t an indecent act of instinct, a lust you’re too lazy, too crazy to control.

Sex is desire that makes you watch your walk, sex is a slip inside something built for you before you knew it, sex is a pure pleasure to be paid for.

So slide on these shoes, arch your back in match to the heel, stretch your legs into the air, and –

Do yourself.

Fendi shoes $912 $511, eLUXURY.com

Shoes just aren’t pretty things to prance in.

Shoes are a platform for your life: shoes should be ambitiously arched so you watch your walk, shoes should be built on a thick soul to cushion gritty paths, shoes should have a f**k-you heel at an odd, right angle so people know you’re different.

Shoes should also be half off.

Kind of like your panties are, half the time.

Giuseppe Zanotti booties $699, Couture.Zappos.com

Sluts are people who don’t love sex.

Sluts rarely realize that making lust is making a trade of respect. Sluts never know that sex is the top expression of admiration, that an orgasm is pure pleasure achieved appreciating the one you’re with.

Sluts don’t do 99 dudes they esteem. Sluts sleep with a single loser they barely understand; they’re missionaries about monogamy with partners who never value them.

Sluts lead an empty life full of unchosen, Platonic pals. Sluts–

Won’t wear f**k-you shoes like these.

Bionda Castana shoes $620, Bionda Castana.com

It begins with something long and hard, pinning you up for a dive into slick skin.

It leaves you happy, hungry enough to be strapped down by just a thin sliver of patent leather.

It climaxes in a toe-curling, perfect peak.

By the by, you dig these f**k-you shoes?

Coach Legacy envelope $198, Coach.com

The whole world may be your stage, but life shouldn’t be a drama.

Instead of circling ’round tangled story lines, life should turn right angles while you build your reality.

Life’s business should be less a show for everyone else, and more your own VIP club.

Like a Coach Legacy envelope.

Rich in minimalism, pure in purpose, its sliver of shape selectively fits others into it: car keys to ignite your drive, plastic money to pay your own way, and–

An iPhone for watching porn.

[Coach Legacy envelope via GetTRIO.com]

Alexander McQueen shoes, $805, Net-a-Porter.com

Your new year shouldn’t be a twilight of grays, a melt of highlights and lowlights, a boring blend of neither success nor failure.

Your new year should be bright white striped with base black, it should be pure success played up by dark lessons.

Your new year should be an ambitious arch balanced on a pin-thin heel of risk and a fat platform of soul to save you.

But should you want to waste your new year, at least do it going into debt for Alexander McQueen f**k-you shoes, while jetting ’round the world, snorting coke off a model’s six-pack.

Christian Louboutin shoes with sequins $925, Net-a-Porter.com

New Year’s Eve isn’t for getting smashed, forgetting your past. New Year’s Eve isn’t for getting screwed by just anyone, forgetting any future. New Year’s Eve is best balanced between last year and later, making the present a real gift. New Year’s Eve ends and begins with a hard, wet midnight kiss. New Year’s Eve has you on your toes, sliding in and out of your past and future, in and out of classic and current. New Year’s Eve rides on your dark dirty history towards red-rosy hopes. New Year’s Eve comes hard to the realization you should celebrate your now. Always.

Though even New Year’s Eve knows now might not look so good later, sober.

Especially to your boyfriend.

Published in eVelvetRope.com