Christian Louboutin shoes $755, Net-a-Porter.com

All things are not created equal.

Some hookers have the discipline to stand tall and live independently, resisting the gravity of lying flat; some housewives are scared of heights.

Some hookers have fearlessness to make their blues bright against a mad red sole; some housewives would rather live in a twilight of gray.

Some hookers trade value for value in order to pay for f**k-you shoes; some housewives live off an allowance of slippers.

But wherever, however you were born, remember: you can make yourself.

Hopefully into a woman that Christian Louboutin’ll make shoes for.

Coco de Mer blindfold $60, Coco de Mer USA.com

My iPhone vibrates against my thigh, flashing that The Boy is calling. I stretch on the nude leather of his bedroom’s chaise lounge, in an unchaste yawn, before I press ACCEPT. “Yes, sexy one?”

“Can you come up the elevator and open the garage door for me?”

“Done.” I hop up, and in and out the small lift, into the garage. I feel against the dark wall, and press the first blur of a button I touch. One of the mahogany doors yawns open, like a heavy curtain rising. I see The Boy waiting for me, though I’m out of his line of vision, like an actress paused in the wings of a stage. “Want to play dress up?” I ask.

“I want to play ‘get rid of the garbage,’” says The Boy. “I can’t see you. Where are you?”

“I’m standing on some rug,” I answer, tiptoeing to the carpet’s curling edge. “I don’t mind a dirty mind, but dirty feet don’t get me off.”

“So open the other garage door so I can see you.”

I finger another button, and a second door slides up. The inside of the garage is spotlighted by the sun, setting the scene: a young femme fatale looks on while the older man, The Boy, sweats, maintaining his Los Angeles land. I step out further into the light. “You want to watch me so you can touch yourself?”

“Precisely,” says The Boy, not looking up from the empty boxes he’s juggling.

I rub my breasts through my blush-pink nightie, snaking my hands down my stomach, lids lowered; I’m playing Clara Bow. “How’s this?” My breath is a moan, spiraling down in time with my hips. His name slides off my lips.

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Birds of a feather flock together, while cool cats play alone.

I was once politely conversating (read: “boring chat supposed to be greased with cocktails at a party”), and someone asked me if I were an early bird.

“I’m the cat that eats the bird,” I replied.

And these Patrick Cox shoes would be the heels I’d sport while dining very fine.

Meow, motherfuckers.

» Patrick Cox shoes with feathers $399, Koodos.com

Just like those Pretty Women on Sunset Blvd., these goodies from ASOS are S-E-X on the cheap.

Only a little safer.

And likely less exciting for your boy.

Outside of Manhattan winters, here’s how you get your K in jeans -

Have Giuseppe Zanotti line denim in leather, stitch it second-skin tight, found it on a 4½” heel, top it with a white leather cuff.

S-E-X with my Italiano lover Giuseppe Zanotti, glammy dead animals, and a too-tall heel?

I’m there.

» Preorder denim Giuseppe Zanotti boot $850, Saks.