Alberta Ferretti shoes $595, eLUXURY

Life isn’t meant to be a tangle of tied up desires, a twist of wires woven into confusion.

Life should be your own proud path straight as a stiletto, life’s arch should be as ambitious as a four-inch heel’s, and life should never be about strapping you down.

Unless it involves these Alberta Ferretti shoes, trashy lingerie, and bondage tape.

You could play safe, loop your life around a comfortable circle: settle for a mate, for a nine-to-five, for what everyone supposes everyone else wants.

Or you could play passionately, build a life of real right angles: menage with men and women who inspire you, climb ambitious heights on a self-styled ladder, make your own world of unique beauty.

So pick: mom jeans and getting belted into boring, or this Missoni lattice belt barely caging your creativity.

One’s risque and risky.

One’s plain scary.

» Missoni lattice belt $1,486, Net-a-Porter

There’s something boss about a Louis Vuitton bum bag.

The Louis logo brags European chic to balance the bum bag’s timeless tourist vibe, to equal classic style.

Like getting mugged in New York’s Times Square, or, similarly–

Getting fucked up the ass.

» Louis Vuitton bum bag $710, eLUXURY

This crystal Devi Kroell clutch is exactly how a woman should be:

Built unique on her own solid, original base; confidently bold with smart, almost blinding shine; and naturally exclusive about what she lets into her.

Relatedly–

Like a boss Devi Kroell clutch, you should be motherf**king expensive.

» Devi Kroell box clutch $1,890, Net-a-Porter.com

This Parisian Abaco bag is like a man: you want it to mellow into maturity, to age smart, to–

Have plenty of years to get great in bed.

See the Abaco bag’s front pouch? How it’ll just fit some extremely modest pajamas, perhaps a bunny-print onesie?

That’s what I meant.

You dirty motherf**ker.

» Abaco bag $635, Shop Intuition.com

Life isn’t meant to be boxed, relationships aren’t meant to be stuffed into dull corners, ideas aren’t ink for coward-yellow sticky notes decorating the walls of your cubicle.

Life should be a wide-open frolic ’round a world you build, relationships a cyclical trade of pleasure for pleasure, ideas should make up an ever-evolving rainbow you ride and slide into a pot of gold with.

And the only box you should cherish is a crystal-riddled clutch by Devi Kroell. Wood becomes urbane as a fresh material for evening gear, set off by rectangular crystals as clear as your independent vision, in a rich brown so that the Devi Kroell clutch box is boss with your chocolate mink coat.

When you take yourself on a date to a vegan cafe.

» Devi Kroell clutch in wood $1,390 via Net-a-Porter

Dear Kristopher,
I recently bought a pair of fur boots. They are knee-high and beige grey. They are real fur, and I’m uncertain of how to wear them without coming across as ordinary, awkward, or a Chewbacca! Do you have any advice?

Thanks,
Camilla

I’m always full of advice, always full of soy lattes, always full of _____ (feel free to leave a comment and fill in the blank, you dirty, lovely things).

It’d be obvious to rock your fur boots with some second-skin pants and a tunic, but–

You’re not obvious. So check this boss little red dress by Karen Zambo Vintage Couture ($330). Neither vintage nor couture, it’s a simple shift in a red, sunset print, and the fresh frock will style cheeky chic against your furry boots, without being overly gimmicky.

Unlike this punch line.

XXXO,
K

» Fur boots $375 $225 via ColeHaan.com

» Want to know how to rock a leopard skirt, where to buy trashy lingerie, or the meaning of life? Email KRiSTOPHER.

Because as much as I like rubbing my vintage snakeskin bags against my cheek and telling whichever Los Angeleno asks that the bag is real and my fav pet, living in a city full of flip-flops and calloused soles is rubbing wrong my soul, and the charm of people wondering if I’m a foreign exchange student is wearing thin like my impromptu fake French, and–

eLUXURY doesn’t ship this python Fendi belt to California.

Dude.

I’m like, totally, taking L.A. out of my Sidekick for reals now.

» Python Fendi belt $1,005, eLUXURY

A five-inch heel in cognac leather that’s second-skin up to your knees means these boss Christian Louboutin boots will have you looking like a very Pretty Woman come fall double-oh-seven.

These Christian Louboutin boots–with your little virgin white dress–may style you so pretty a woman, that these “fuck me” “fuck you” boots might pay for themselves.

Lewd wink, wink.

Because, you know, a monk will see you on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood and offer to take you to a classy dinner of holy bread and alcohol-free wine that costs about a grand.

That’s what I was implying.

» Christian Louboutin boots $1,295, Net-a-Porter.com

I love your sense of style. I have these boots and they are fierce, but I have no idea what to wear with them that would be equally chic. I was thinking sweater dress, but it seems blah. I’m hoping you can help me. And believe it or not… They look even more FABULOUS in person. The expresso color is rich and they look so hot. Sometimes I wear them around the house in bra and panties… But, alas I can’t go outside like that.
Indigo

Which is a shame, I know.

So since you can’t vibe S-E-X in all caps, style more your boss lady boots more cheeky chic, a la a crayon-yellow, dungaree dress from See by Chloe ($410).

The See by Chloe dress’s lemon yellow will rock right against your boots’ espresso, the See by Chloe frock’s blooming mini will play against your boots’ second-skin cut, and the See by Chloe’s mini mini –

May give you reason to consider keeping on that oh so pretty underwear of yours.

XXXO,
K