Liucia obi clutch $250, Liucia.com

The present is a gift when it’s a perfect blend of past and future, when your now rides high on experience towards rosy hopes.

When your now levies lessons learned to climb towards climatic success.

When your now slides in and out of what’s former and forward.

When your now fashions fingerprint-unique history — a vintage obi belt from a kimono — into something future-forward — a ruthlessly minimalist rectangle clutch.

And just like your now should luxuriate in naked necessities, this obi bag looks like it’d only fit a condom and an iPhone–

The world’s oldest pleasure sport and the freshest way to watch at porn.

How presently perfect.

Fendi Hologram clutch $722, Trendora.com

You’ve got two more weeks to win a Fendi hologram clutch. The best things in life aren’t free, so while I’m giving away a Fendi hologram clutch* with e-boutique Trendora™, it’s no random drawing.

You’ve got to sign up here and tell us why you deserve this boss Fendi clutch.

Entries don’t need to be epic like those VOGUEs that weigh more than you: just name drop Heidi Fleiss, link to a YouTube vid full of lap dances and dirty talk, and you’re a likely winner.

As always, you ladies really make me want to touch myself touch me.

XXXO,
K

* Contest ends December 31, 2007. A winner will be chosen January 1, 2008.

Fendi Hologram clutch $722, Trendora.com
Give yourself a happy Christkwanzhanukkah, and sign up to win a Fendi hologram clutch. The best things in life aren’t free, so while I’m giving away a Fendi hologram clutch with e-boutique Trendora™, it’s no random drawing.

You’ve got to sign up here and tell us why you deserve this boss Fendi clutch*.

Entries mentioning making more money than god and/or a personal life goal of always wanting to have sex with yourself receive special consideration.

As always, you ladies really make me want to touch myself touch me.

XXXO,
K

* Contest ends December 31, 2007. A winner will be chosen January 1, 2008.

Celestina mother of pearl clutch $1,160, Vivre.com

Lazy waves hum, cars chuckle over cobbled streets, and layered thick above this I hear tinny music piping through the hot air. I take The Boy’s hand and we walk deeper into Puerto Vallarta, the music growing fatter. Soon we intersect a parade swaying towards the chapel tower we’d heard ringing in the morning. I step in line with Mexican kids that barely hit the hem of my skirt, and a priest splashes holy water on the children, on me.

“Watch out that it doesn’t burn!” The Boy calls across the river of people.

I smile and nod, teetering into the church on vintage hooker heels. I stare up towards heaven, and see centuries-old paintings of Christ suffering, watching over a naive scene of natives singing his praise. I feel a presence focus on me, and I turn my eyes earthward: there’s a teenaged boy eying my legs.

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Fendi Hologram clutch $722, Trendora.com

The best things in life aren’t free, everything priceless is never priced less: think an early exit in a f**k-you shoe, think driving a buck-fifty in a Porsche, think…

Sex.

So I’m giving away a Fendi hologram clutch with e-boutique Trendora™, but this time it’s no random drawing. You’ve got to sign up here and tell us why you deserve this boss Fendi clutch*.

Entries mentioning lap dances for the girl named Kristopher who speaks of herself in the third person receive special consideration.

Consider this a holiday thank you for you lovelies reading all the time. It really makes me want to touch myself touches me.

XXXO,
K

* Contest ends December 31, 2007. A winner will be chosen January 1, 2008.

Celestina cracked mirror clutch $1,130, Vivre.com

Life can be a cracked mirror of meaning, people’s views get trapped in a little broken box of convention:

First date sex for men is a score, for a woman it’s a scarlet letter.

Playboys menage with a broad number of broads, the woman is just a dumb bunny.

A busy business man is ambitious, a boss lady is a bitch.

And though you could get trapped in false reflections, in points of views that shatter hit hard with logic, I figure it’s clear:

Life is short.

Your skirt should be, too.

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» Bottega Veneta snakeskin clutch $1,640, Net-a-Porter.com

Leave your Chanel compact at home, travel light to your holiday party:

Your money, mints, mace, mobile, and three condoms tuck into a Ted Rossi clutch, a sliver of a silver envelop.

Use the mirror metallic leather to triple-check yourself as often as you like, without anyone knowing.

And you should–you look hot, even better than the dude you’re dancing with.

So ditch him, and you and Ted Rossi have a quick bit of fun by yourselves in the bathroom.

» Ted Rossi clutch $325, Vivre.com

I hear my glossy iPhone make its old school ring, and I smile at the blocked number calling, and I answer: “What are you wearing, pool boy?”

“How excited are you about those toys you got in the mail?” asks The Boy.

I finger the blush-pink packaging from Booty Parlor, lying on my desk. “Not as excited as I was before I used them.”

“Already?” asks The Boy. “Did you light candles and have a glass of wine?”

“Of course,” I say. “But within five minutes I grabbed my tits. So then I slapped myself. I said, ‘Who the fuck do you think you are?’

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This crystal Devi Kroell clutch is exactly how a woman should be:

Built unique on her own solid, original base; confidently bold with smart, almost blinding shine; and naturally exclusive about what she lets into her.

Relatedly–

Like a boss Devi Kroell clutch, you should be motherf**king expensive.

» Devi Kroell box clutch $1,890, Net-a-Porter.com