Kiki de Montparnasse “Fun Wand” butt-in $125, Kiki DM.com

Lovelies,

Forgive me for posting as slowly as the first time you took it up the _____.

I’m busy taking it up the _____ while I wait for my new apartment to get my internet connect up and running.

I’ll be back full force after this weekend. Meanwhile, let’s play fill-in the blank.

With boys.

XXXO,
K

Fox fur muff $350, MadisonAveMall.com

ShoeBlog.com has asked me to spill seven secrets. If you didn’t already know…

1. I shop like a Kristopher, not a Krissy. I barely, rarely browse for fashion offline. I know what I want, I buy it, and I work it. Same goes for men.
2. I keep fur in my fridge. Think three vintage fur muffs, a rabbit-trimmed head scarf, and a vintage Saks mink cap. I’ve also got some water in there. My main regret living in Los Angeles? It doesn’t get cold enough for glammy dead pets, and I love animals more than PETA.
3. I own crotchless panties. This probably isn’t a secret. I’ve got two rules for buying lingerie: either underwear’s got to be wearable as outerwear, or it should be unmentionable. Though I’ll usually mention it.
4. My legal name is Kristopher Dukes. I’ve met people who knew my dot-com, but didn’t think a girl named Kristopher really existed. A flash of California I.D. later they were convinced, though confused as to why I wasn’t dancing on the table.
5. I own New Balance sneakers. My sneakers are the unicorns of closets, they’re an urban myth, like models who don’t do coke. I wear them everyday — jogging. My dad saw me working out in them once, and even he was shocked I don’t exercise in hooker heels.
6. I stopped sipping six soy lattes a day. My gorgeous espresso machine is drying up, as I’ve been Starbucksing for sugar-free, green tea soy lattes. Can I have, like, a side of hip-hop yoga with that? The stuff of pussies, I know.
7. I’m really a 40-year-old virgin in Texas who owns three cats.

Whose dirty lingerie do you boss ladies want to air? Leave a comment and name a blogger. First three bloggers listed, considered yourselves tagged.

Shiny Shiny’s The Bag Lady listed KRiSTOPHER DUKES.com — and Bag Snob and Luxist’s bag blog — as one of their top 10 bag and accessories blogs. Writes Bag Lady Laura:

“I see this as the Perez Hilton of handbag blogs… Pretty impressive global appeal.”

I’d tell you I’m humbled by my inclusion in their list, but if anything, Shiny Shiny’s love has only further inflated my ego.

But not to the point I’d forget to thank you lovelies for reading, for making it so I can string dirty words together from nine to nine, in trashy lingerie.

Once Oprah book clubs me, I’m buying you each a lap dance.

XXXO,
K

Chloe “Myrte” sunglasses $290, Net-a-Porter.com
Though I practically live there already since I’m in Los Angeles, The Boy, my boy, is taking us to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico this weekend.

It should be exotic to be around so many people speaking English.

“The Boy’s taking you to Mexico?” my brother asked, on instant message. “Who’s paying?”

“Well, The Boy is, but it’s not like he’s a real sugar daddy,” I typed back. “I think he wants to sell me there.”

I’m trying to lay my Splenda daddy during our lay over, but he’s politely declined.

Details on all the carb-free tacos I eat and sunshine I block off with SPF 45 to follow.

XXXO,
K

You’ve got two more days to win a $50 Gifts.com gift certificate*, which you can swap for credit at retailers like Starbucks, Bloomies, Barnes & Noble, H&M, and more.

Email contests @ KRiSTOPHER DUKES . com to win.

Most boss gift for the holidays, right?

And unlike that dude who gifted you a Touch iPod, I don’t even expect you to give me brain in exchange.

XXXO,
K

» Starbucks sugar-free hazelnut double soy latte, $1,999+ tax, Starbucks.com

* Contest ends November 22, 2007, 12:00 a.m. PST. One randomly drawn winner will be announced November 22, 2007.

I’m giving away a $50 Gifts.com gift certificate*, which you can swap for credit at retailers like Starbucks, Bloomies, Barnes & Noble, H&M, and more.

Email contests @ KRiSTOPHER DUKES . com to win.

Bossest gift for the holidays, right?

And unlike that dude who gifted you a Touch iPod, I don’t even expect you to give me brain in exchange.

XXXO,
K

» Dirty Talk: Speak the Language of Lust, $11, Barnes & Noble

* Contest ends November 22, 2007, 12:00 a.m. PST. One randomly drawn winner will be announced November 22, 2007.

Imitation is the highest form of flattery–

When you haven’t trademarked something yet. Then it’s just called Legal Fun.

Some chick — Jess Cartner-Morley? I only like my mouth full of one thing, and hyphenated names aren’t it — at The Guardian is waxing un-poetic about “fuck you” shoes:

And while a stiletto heel is a half-hidden menace, a stolid heel - this season’s choice - is an open threat. (Fuck-you shoes, rather than fuck-me shoes, if you will.)“

I will, and I have. Thank you, ma’am.

When do I make the dic(k)tionary like Beyoncé and her bootyliciousness?

» Fakewear “Louis Vuitton” fake bag, prohibited for sale, MindWhatYouWear.com

I was reviewing my blog stats — I ain’t no housewife in Texas with three cats and a Hewlett Packard — when I noticed an interesting trend about what people search for to arrive at KRiSTOPHER DUKES the dot-com (not the girl):

Perc. Search Term
4.93% kristopher dukes
2.41% christian louboutin shoes
2.11% fuck me
0.75% fuck me now
0.70% trashy lingerie
0.50% fuck you clothing
0.01% a site with a cute peace sign necklace

I’m feeling a touch touchy.

So touch me, give me a little love, wonder with me:

Can you believe someone searched for a “cute peace sign necklace” and landed here?

The motherfucking nerve of Google.

I spent last afternoon playing dress-up, with my younger bro Scott clicking pics.

Dude is talented.

Almost as talented as me.

Click click for his pic of me.

XXXO,
K

I just found out about a little last month love Forbes.com gave KRiSTOPHER DUKES.com. In their “Pretty in Pink” profile on Glam, whom I work with, they blurbed:

“Kristopher Dukes win[s] wide praise in the fashion world…”

Next up? Forbes’ list of chick billionaires.

Thanks always for reading. You’re making middle child dreams come true, here.

XXXO,
K