Kale bag $695 $243, Haute Look.com

“She looks like she’s going to prom.”

The hair stylist pauses mid fluff, Carlota and I curb our cooing over the model’s ringlets, curls carefully highlighted to look sun-kissed. Adam reaches for a handful of organic trail mix. “I want effortlessly elegant. She looks like she’s going to a high school dance with that hair.”

“We can make the model’s waves looser,” Carlota says, “but I like them. Kristopher?”

“I like them, too,” I say. “It’s girl hair.”

“And we’re selling to girls,” says Carlota.

“All right, fine,” says Adam. “After a lifetime of being girls, you guys know what you’re talking about. I’ll go work on a million other things I can do that I actually know.”

The model slips on a vintage Chanel shift, a simple sheath of fabric impeccably tailored so that it melts into a background for the body wearing it. After many minutes of makeup, she naturally looks like a living doll.

“I wanted to tell you,” says a stylist, Mary, pausing her pinning. She’s a hipster hippie in high-waisted, wide jeans and a gold necklace worn as a headband over intentionally tousled hair. “I really love your site.”

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Zagliani Bag in 18K leather $2,495, Shop.HarveyNichols.com

If it’s defined as deserved decadence.

If it’s defined as luxury labored for.

If it’s defined as a celebration of self(ishness).

Greed still isn’t good.

Greed is great.

[Via Handbags.Luxist.com]

You could play safe, loop your life around a comfortable circle: settle for a mate, for a nine-to-five, for what everyone supposes everyone else wants.

Or you could play passionately, build a life of real right angles: menage with men and women who inspire you, climb ambitious heights on a self-styled ladder, make your own world of unique beauty.

So pick: mom jeans and getting belted into boring, or this Missoni lattice belt barely caging your creativity.

One’s risque and risky.

One’s plain scary.

» Missoni lattice belt $1,486, Net-a-Porter

Leave your Chanel compact at home, travel light to your holiday party:

Your money, mints, mace, mobile, and three condoms tuck into a Ted Rossi clutch, a sliver of a silver envelop.

Use the mirror metallic leather to triple-check yourself as often as you like, without anyone knowing.

And you should–you look hot, even better than the dude you’re dancing with.

So ditch him, and you and Ted Rossi have a quick bit of fun by yourselves in the bathroom.

» Ted Rossi clutch $325, Vivre.com

This Givenchy shoe is how sex should style: playfully tough, smartly erotic, equal parts femme submission and masculine domination.

And like sex, this Givenchy shoe’s success lies in its details: an extra thick cover-up exaggerates a peep show of a peep toe, the tiny polished studs drip wet-like over a beautiful skin, and a sumptuous arch is inspired by something long and hard and–

Maybe I should stop watching porn between writing dirty love letters to you.

» Givenchy shoes $535, Barneys.com

Alberta Ferretti shoes $745, Net-a-Porter.com

“Fuck you” shoes are heels with an ambitious arch, a solid sole, “fuck you” shoes are a decidedly bold shoe you’ve earned that stands tall alone, figuratively — they’re confident like you — and literally — they style boss with just trashy lingerie.

“Fuck you” shoes mean you’re on top, whether you’re single or partnered.

And “fuck me” shoes?

“Fuck me” shoes are overpriced designer duds inviting you to get fucked by any dude you think might be able to pay off the credit you used to buy the heels.

Can I get a “fuck yeah”?

This Parisian Abaco bag is like a man: you want it to mellow into maturity, to age smart, to–

Have plenty of years to get great in bed.

See the Abaco bag’s front pouch? How it’ll just fit some extremely modest pajamas, perhaps a bunny-print onesie?

That’s what I meant.

You dirty motherf**ker.

» Abaco bag $635, Shop Intuition.com

Diane von Furstenberg suitcase $200, eBags.com
Even a boyfriend who hit 50 countries in a year was impressed with how I stuffed my “Betty Boopy shit” into a single bag for our one-week trip hitting four cities.

While flying buses aren’t excepted from my uniform of hooker heels and flapper frocks–

I pack like a dude.

And I always carry on. When you check in, you’re check yes to a risk of losing luggage, you check yes to your goodies getting fondled worse than you on prom night, you check yes to at least a half-hour that could be better spent with $10 on an iced soy latte at the airport Starbucks.

So check this carry-on Diane von Furstenberg luggage. The expandable suitcase is lined with DvF logos and a detachable toiletries kit, the pretty pewter makes the Diane von Furstenberg suitcase hard to lose sans shouting “Steal me” like a Louis print, and the boss DvF suitcase has rolling wheels, a necessary convenience when you travel alone and–

Haven’t eaten anything since yesterday.

Have a happy Labor Day weekend jetaway, lovelies.

XXXO,
K

Dear Kristopher motherfucking Dukes,
I have a fashion question and I thought I should ask you. Why? Because you rock so hard you make men pee in their suits. I have a matte gold dress with satin accents, deep V-neck, open back that ties at the back neck and hits mid-calf… My question: what fucking heels to rock? The thought of only gold makes me think cheese, and black is horrid.
Jax

Because you used the gosh darn “F” word as often as I do when I’m feeling romantic–with myself, likely–, I’m charmed to solve your fashion dilemma.

Gold heels would be B(eyonce)-grade cheese, you’re right. So slip on a pair of metallic heels that glimmer between platinum and gold, like these metallic Rupert Sanderson shoes. Thin straps keep the shine light so your dress and hot bod are upgraded, not upstaged. Total first date shoes, the heels are sweet sans vibing saccharine, they’re–

Motherfucking boss, right?

XXXO,
K

» Rupert Sanderson shoes $595 via Net-a-Porter.com

A five-inch heel in cognac leather that’s second-skin up to your knees means these boss Christian Louboutin boots will have you looking like a very Pretty Woman come fall double-oh-seven.

These Christian Louboutin boots–with your little virgin white dress–may style you so pretty a woman, that these “fuck me” “fuck you” boots might pay for themselves.

Lewd wink, wink.

Because, you know, a monk will see you on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood and offer to take you to a classy dinner of holy bread and alcohol-free wine that costs about a grand.

That’s what I was implying.

» Christian Louboutin boots $1,295, Net-a-Porter.com