Jimmy Choo patent sandals $585, Net-a-Poter.com

Red means mad, red means blood, red means–

A color you can wear to promote National Wear Red Day, today, 24 hours set aside to raise awareness about heart disease. The number one killer of women — and their toyfriends, but who’s counting? — can be prevented.

In fact, I just replaced my heart with a Starbucks latte cup.

Email me for specifications, or you can also prevent heart disease with a visit to Go Red for Women.org.

Jimmy Choo shoes $585, Net-a-Porter.com

If there’s something to work out, it’s not working.

If you have to ask why the strap holding you down is too tight, if you wonder why a buckle bends with pressure, if you question a certain shade of coloring, maybe a jealous green–

It’s time to buy another pair of f**k-you shoes.

Jimmy Choo sandals $615, Net-a-Porter.com

Happiness isn’t a fuzzy slipper you stumble upon and slide on occasionally, to cushion you from your blue.

Happiness is a hard heel that takes poise to prance in; happiness is an ambitious arch propped by a mirror of your achievement; happiness is an earned pleasure as pure as 24K gold.

Happiness is the ruthless stripping of your life of anything unfit for the design you’re building. Happiness is–

A pair of Jimmy Choo sandals that’ll last you years, from now until you’re a rich cougar with an Italian toyfriend half your age.

Giuseppe Zanotti shoes $695, Net-a-Porter.com

Your New Year should be unapologetically bright, timelessly in the now, ambitiously arched, your New Year should be real luxury: a beautiful celebration of pure pleasure, of gorgeous selfishness, of–

Breaking up with your toyfriend.

If there’s something to work out, it’s not working.

And if you end up missing five hard inches of smart sex, buy Giuseppes.

They’ll do you better, I promise.

If only because they can’t talk and demand you menage with other chicks.

Oscar de la Renta shoes $645, Net-a-Porter.com

The pretty polish of life, moments of perfect gloss are only flawless after hours of dirty grind:

I work out kinks to get kinky right, I iron out wrinkles to get sprinkles of naughtiness nice, I edit out fat ideas to keep communication sleek.

Standing effortlessly in ambitiously arched, glass-patent peep-toes takes a lifetime of effort.

That’s why copycats who live off sloppy seconds of creativity teeter and fall in their knock-off heels.

Meow.

Alberta Ferretti shoes $595, eLUXURY

Life isn’t meant to be a tangle of tied up desires, a twist of wires woven into confusion.

Life should be your own proud path straight as a stiletto, life’s arch should be as ambitious as a four-inch heel’s, and life should never be about strapping you down.

Unless it involves these Alberta Ferretti shoes, trashy lingerie, and bondage tape.