Kiki de Montparnasse pleasure wipes $2, Kiki DM.com

People can make you dirty.

They’ll want sex to be a menage a trois with guilt.

They’ll preach housewives are more moral than hookers.

They’ll sell you that it’s selfish not to serve their desires.

Wipe them all away.

Jimmyjane “Spin Me” $35, Jimmyjane.com

You shouldn’t lie down and wait for life to come: you should make life submit to your pleasures, you should whip life into your control.

But no matter how you’ve got life tied up and down, life’ll surprise you.

Like this boss Jimmyjane “Spin Me” game. A bottle of rated G through NC-17 adventure slips, I stacked the odds in my favor when I played: I removed all the dirty, too-innocent pieces of paper and spun the bottle with only the hottest thing in my life. Then I slipped out a strip of suggestion, and –

All it did was tell me to suck my soy latte.

Patrick and Skinner cami and knickers $630, Patrick and Skinner.com

Be a man.

Avoid dates described as “really nice.”

Pay for dinner, expect action for dessert.

Feel guilty about sex only if it sucks.

And obsess over women’s bodies, starting with your own.

Decorate yourself with this Patrick and Skinner lingerie — win this boss cami and knickers set* by sending me your naughtiest story about what you’d do in it.

Extra points if it involves these.

* Contest ends February 29, 2007 at 11:59 am PST. Winner will be announced March 3, 2008.

Coco de Mer secret book $35, Coco de Mer USA.com

Whether they’re bound by leather or paper printed with a throbbing chest, books mean nothing until you open and engage them; all books are really hallow boxes waiting to be filled with whatever dirties you imagine.

You know, really naughty stuff.

Like a couple pages from the Bible, or jewelry from when you were engaged.

Those were dark days and overly light nights, no?

Kiki de Montparnasse 24K handcuff and key necklace $175, KikiDM.com

A wedding ring’s a simple circle, a mostly empty symbol of a life rotating ’round another.

If I had to be tied down for a man, if I had to restrain myself to please someone else–

I’d prefer they did it with handcuffs.

Kiki de Montparnasse “Fun Wand” butt-in $125, Kiki DM.com

Lovelies,

Forgive me for posting as slowly as the first time you took it up the _____.

I’m busy taking it up the _____ while I wait for my new apartment to get my internet connect up and running.

I’ll be back full force after this weekend. Meanwhile, let’s play fill-in the blank.

With boys.

XXXO,
K

Giuseppe Zanotti shoes with hidden wedge $654, Couture.Zappos.com

pas·sive ag·gres·sive in·come [pas-iv uh-gres-iv in-kuhm] noun. income you thought would be passive, but you have to secretly work for.

Ex: You thought your rich fiancé was easy money, but he’s turned into passive-aggressive income: you need to arrange threesomes to keep your stock of Giuseppes multiplying.

“Grab our left overs,” says The Boy, soft shutting his Porsche’s door.

“Why?”

“We can’t leave it in the car.” And though I’m not sure why, I take the food and we walk to my building, an Art Deco bit of bricks. “I’m so curious to finally see your place,” says The Boy. “And I’m so ready to crash.”

I realize he wants to spend the night at my place, and though we’ve slept together in over five countries of apartments, hotels, planes, and trains, I go shy and say, “I don’t think you want to.”

“Why not? Is your other boyfriend coming over later?”

“My only other boyfriend is my right hand. And I like to think of it as a hot chick.”

MORE »

S-E-X isn’t a dirty deed you do in the dark with a dude.

Sex is a lush luxury you lavish yourself with because you deserve it, sex is a selfish pleasure you indulge in with someone worthy, sex is an intelligent tool to celebrate living the life you love.

Sex is a Lelo vibrator, handcrafted in 18K gold, richly minimalist for a solid vibe, VIP private; and sex and a Lelo vibrator are your perfect accessory for that boring party you’re attending.

Make a line for the bathroom.

» Lelo “Yva” vibrator $1,750, KikiDM.com.com

Jimmyjane vibrator $240, JimmyJane.com
Living in Los Angeles, on the short (out)skirts of civilization, I’ve come hard to a super spiritual revelation (it cost only $0.40 extra with my fair-trade, organic, sugar-free hazelnut soy latte at Urth Caffe in West Hollywood):

Value understands its worth, most priceless stuff has a heavy price, so it follows as naturally as the birds and the bees—

You can only get sex with substance by paying for it.

Get to know—in the Biblical sense, lewd wink—Jimmyjane’s Little Something vibrator, a sliver of silver etched with birds and bees, inspired by carpe diem-era illustrations, cored with the soul of an everlasting motor.

I think I’m entering my longest relationship yet.