أنا أكره [بنسس], جدار زهرات أنّ فقط يسقط بعيدا من الجدار عندما يرى هم شيء قوّيّة هم يريدون أن ب تمسّك إلى, أن يساندهم.

يحبّ زهرات مملّة أنّ يحصل يقذف بعيدا في يوم.

الزهرات وحيد أنا أحبّ مثل الورود سوداء على هذا إسكندر [مكقوين] صدار خفاف. هكذا [سمرتلي] يشكّل, هكذا بعناية يشيّد, يجعل السحائب صغيرة مظلمة من جمال فريدة هذا إسكندر [مكقوين] أحذية رئيس. بخلاف المقلد وربّة بيت [كتّي], الورود استطاع بسهولة وقفت على هم خاصّة.

يغلق أعين عرضا, يتخيّل:

جعل الورود [بستيس] عظيمة, يصحّ?

» إسكندر [مكقوين] صدار خفاف $1,124, Net-a-Porter.com

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هذا [كو] [إيرن] دبوس الزينة كيف رئيس سيدة سوفت هذّبت: كلّ ذكيّة خطوط ويحدّد أشكال, كلّ تلألؤ حادّة وأبيض صافية بتول.

أيّ يذكّر [م-ثيس] [كو] [إيرن] عمل دبوس الزينة أيضا عظيمة أن يشبك فوق أنّ حافة من خاصّتي, الواحدة أنّ إصابات صحيحة ركباتك.

لأنّ مثل سيدة, هذا [كو] [إيرن] دبوس الزينة يحصل هو:

حياة قصيرة. حافتك سوفت كنت, أيضا.

» [كو] [إيرن] دبوس الزينة $615, Net-a-Porter.com

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تركت ك [شنل] إتفاق [أت هوم], سفر ضوء إلى [هوليدي برتي] ك:

ك مال, نعناع, صولجان, هاتف جوّال, وثلاثة كيس واق طية داخل [ا] تدّ [روسّي] قابض, يغلّف شظية من فضة.

Use the mirror metallic leather to triple-check yourself as often as you like, without anyone knowing.

And you should–you look hot, even better than the dude you’re dancing with.

So ditch him, and you and Ted Rossi have a quick bit of fun by yourselves in the bathroom.

» Ted Rossi clutch $325, Vivre.com

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“Hi, may I speak with Kristopher?”

“This is she,” I say, waiting for the usual–

“Oh! Oh… I thought–”

“That I was a gay man?”

“Heh heh! Well,” he says, “I saw your site and the photo and I figured it was stock photography, and then, you know, that part of your site that says, ‘SEX’ in all caps, that didn’t seem like something typically a girl would write.”

“I’m not typical. And though I’m flattered you thought I was a random model, does that mean you also thought the Kristopher behind all these dirty words was a fat man who likes it on his stomach?”

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Halloween is all about:

Goth glam and black fun.

Getting a spell on.

Dressing more slutty than usual.

Which would be hard, without these Jimmy Choo boot shoes called “Spell.”

Happy Halloween, lovelies.

XXXO,
K

» Jimmy Choo boot sling-backs $1,200, Net-a-Porter.com

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I hear my glossy iPhone make its old school ring, and I smile at the blocked number calling, and I answer: “What are you wearing, pool boy?”

“How excited are you about those toys you got in the mail?” asks The Boy.

I finger the blush-pink packaging from Booty Parlor, lying on my desk. “Not as excited as I was before I used them.”

“Already?” asks The Boy. “Did you light candles and have a glass of wine?”

“Of course,” I say. “But within five minutes I grabbed my tits. So then I slapped myself. I said, ‘Who the fuck do you think you are?’

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“I just got a bra that’ll make my tits a whole cup bigger!” I sing into my iPhone, talking to The Boy, my boy. “It’s so boss!”

“How many times did you go to Starbucks today?” he asks.

“Only three,” I say. “Anyway, this bra will satisfy me until I break into my IRA to fund my future Botox addiction.” I watch my face in a mirror, and my brows wrinkle at a shadow of a crease I find framing my smile. “That’s really what my retirement stash is for, because the motherfucking Lord knows I’ll be in my death bed, working, wordsmithing dirty stories while giving you a blow job.”

“I’ve always admired your ambition.”

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“Fuck you” shoes are heels with an ambitious arch, a solid sole, “fuck you” shoes are a decidedly bold shoe you’ve earned that stands tall alone, figuratively — they’re confident like you — and literally — they style boss with just trashy lingerie.

“Fuck you” shoes mean you’re on top, whether you’re single or partnered.

And “fuck me” shoes?

“Fuck me” shoes are overpriced designer duds inviting you to get fucked by any dude you think might be able to pay off the credit you used to buy the heels.

Can I get a “fuck yeah”?

» Alberta Ferretti shoes $745, Net-a-Porter.com 

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This crystal Devi Kroell clutch is exactly how a woman should be:

Built unique on her own solid, original base; confidently bold with smart, almost blinding shine; and naturally exclusive about what she lets into her.

Relatedly–

Like a boss Devi Kroell clutch, you should be motherfucking expensive.

» Devi Kroell box clutch $1,890.00, Net-a-Porter.com

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With a skull clasp capping a silver, minimalist coffin for your coins and keys, this Alexander McQueen bag is boss for the modern femme fatale.

Bury your celly in the Alexander McQueen clutch, and go murder men at your Monday meeting.

I mean “murder” figuratively. You know, business-wise.

Though if dude makes disparages your sex, you could accidentally step on his toes with your fuck me fuck you shoes.

I mean “accidentally” figuratively, and the “Fuck you” for him–

Literally?

» Alexander McQueen skull clutch $1,010, Net-a-Porter

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A quick call, and I haul ass to Beverly Hills–it’s my second date, with my new hair stylist. Since I moved back to the left coast, I’ve been a salon slut of one appointment stands, doing it all over L.A., trading up from my Santa Monica stand-by to 90210 salons. And now I’ve met Sally, a Japanese middle-aged girl with a face rounded like my mother’s. Her nose is gently balled at the tip like my mom’s, her eyebrows her same soft arches, and I see the powder puffs of skin under her earthy eyes and think of the trust of paying someone to do with your head whatever they like.

“Yes, I think you go slightly red, just with a glaze,” she says. She fingers my hair, a convincing caress like her soft sales pitch that I de-virginize my brown bob with a popping cherry color.

“How much maintenance?” I ask, already overbooked.

“It fades and grows out if you don’t like it. You won’t see any roots.”

Life’s short, like my skirt. Fuck it, “let’s do it.”

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Cruising La Cienega Blvd. in La La Land, I’ve passed a billboard preaching, “Life’s short. Have an affair.” I meant to visit the dot-com pimped on its bottom, but since I wasn’t selling myself on the site, I forgot it along with the boulevard’s speed limit.

Then CNN.com picked on the billboard, which is marketing by AshleyMadison.com, a dating dot-com for people prowling for XXXtra-marital affairs.

And while I dig the site’s carpe diem spirit, its guilt-free sex, its implied commandment that thou shalt love yourself first, these reasons exactly are why I’ve never understood cheating: why short change yourself sexing someone you hardly respect, why be contracted to someone dumb enough to ignore your cheating, why–

Marry in the first place? The tax deductions aren’t that great.

Precisely because life is as short as that skirt you’re wearing–

The only affair you should be having is with this NJOY Pure Wand dildo.

XXXO,
K

» NJOY Pure Wand dildo $120, Coco de Mer USA .com

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I often joke I dress like an expensive hooker: the airbrushed black eye shadow, the four-inch (at least) heels, a triple-tiered, peacock-print silk dress I slip on as other girls wear their fav T.

But it’s just jest–

At least the “expensive” part.

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Diamonds may be a typical girl’s BFF, but atypical Type-A chicks prefer splurging on stock in a diamond mining co., and stocking up on cheap and chic baubles, like this Kenneth Jay Lane cocktail ring.

Boss, bold, and overblown, this Kenneth Jay Lane cocktail ring is just how I want the life I can buy after investing my money right.

You know, my yacht the SS K, the Monaco penthouse, and a certain part of the decades-younger-than-me Italian toy friend I’ll keep around.

» Kenneth Jay Lane Cocktail Ring $110, Vivre.com

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A clever sliver of silver, this Kotur clutch is so simple it’s brilliant, so ruthlessly minimalist it’s rich, this boss Kotur clutch is a metaphor of how I plan to live my life.

Relatedly, the Kotur clutch looks like a designer dildo.

» Kotur Clutch $348, Vivre.com

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