Lulu snakeskin heart clutch $383, Lulu Guinness.com

“Charlie, do you know what the number one killer of women is?”

“No.” He knifes off a bit of spinach croissant, and looks slightly annoyed as pastry flakes fly into the air, like buttery snow. “Actually, isn’t it heart–”

“I thought it was toyfriends who were forced to watch Cashmere Sex and the Mafia Jungle,” I say. I break off a chunk of my Belgian chocolate and cherry scone, and the side of it keeps crumbling, like a rock slide off a miniature mountain of dessert. “Which would be fair. But it’s actually heart disease. And by heart disease, I don’t mean emotionalism set off listening to John Mayer singles. I mean actual heart disease.”

“I get it. I’m not in pre-med to do coke,” says Charlie. “So why are you eating that chunk of cholesterol?”

“You can hold my hair back in the bathroom while I get rid of it, right?” I ask. “And while we’re in there, I’ll take the Go Red for Women heart check-up on my iPhone.”

Roberto Cavalli sandal with gold snake $823, Couture.Zappos.com

Though most chicks are snakes, you’re one loyal Eve.

You’ve only one thick skin you don’t shed, you’re married to building your own heaven on earth, and you’ve never tempted anyone to sin.

Excepting at that bachelorette’s party in New Orleans.

But really, you offered the stripper quite an education on dancing to “Like a Virgin.” Not to mention a charitable donation to his kid’s college savings, in the form of $1 bills.

Has Brangelina ever done such good?

Maison Fabre driving gloves $165, Saks.com
“Let’s drive,” I say to The Boy, my boy, when he asks if I want dinner delivered or picked up. We ride his elevator to the garage, and I’m tempted to jump in the little lift. We’re out before I do, and I play police woman in my platforms and fox-trimmed coat, directing The Boy out of his dark, deep driveway, hopping into his Porsche as it warms on the empty street. As he grabs his Carrera’s stick shift, sliding gears in and out, my hand shifts to his pants, resting where each leg grinds into the other.

I pet him as softly as his thumb rubs against the sphere of his stick shift, as the black air from the ocean breaths on the city lights lining the coast. I watch him drive, feeling each time he pumps his feet in a half-second dance to switch gears. He swings wide through a curve on a cliff, while my hand hugs the circle of his thigh.

KEEP READING »

Accused of sexually soliciting an undercover cop at an airport, Senator Craig is bouncing between fight or flight for his public post, between stories of base bathroom banging or mundane missionary in marriage faster than I bounce between lusting and loving these boss Bruno Frisoni shoes.

Sinfully black in a Garden-of-Eden snakeskin, much like the Republican senator’s political position, the Bruno Frisoni shoes’ fat platform actually only serves to have you teeter on an ambitious arch delicately depending on a pin-thin heel.

Walking on a razor-sharp line dividing unapologetic S-E-X and formal black, these Bruno Frisoni shoes are perfect for Craig-haters’ fantasies of what the senator wears on his weekends off, these Bruno Frisoni shoes are perfect for a black tie, White House dinner party, these Bruno Frisoni shoes are perfect for–

When you lean over three types of forks and whisper loud to your boyfriend that you muse on ménaging with Hillary Clinton.

» Bruno Frisoni shoes in snakeskin $825, Saks

Because as much as I like rubbing my vintage snakeskin bags against my cheek and telling whichever Los Angeleno asks that the bag is real and my fav pet, living in a city full of flip-flops and calloused soles is rubbing wrong my soul, and the charm of people wondering if I’m a foreign exchange student is wearing thin like my impromptu fake French, and–

eLUXURY doesn’t ship this python Fendi belt to California.

Dude.

I’m like, totally, taking L.A. out of my Sidekick for reals now.

» Python Fendi belt $1,005, eLUXURY

Late luxe hotelier and billionaire Leona Helmsley willed $12 million to her Maltese dog dubbed Trouble, and left her grandkids cold and broke.

And since I love animals more than PETA, maybe more than I love a well articulated “Fuck you” from the grave, I want to gently lay this snaky Oscar de la Renta bag on Ms. Helmsley’s mausoleum.

All platinum python piped with gold hardware and 24K leather, with a slight slouch echoing the shape of ’80s Me Me Me bags, it’s the perfect tribute to Ms. Helmsley.

I just pray the python-skin came from an endangered snake.

» Oscar de la Renta Bag in metallic python $3,895 via Vivre.com