If you ever think marrying money is more respectable than menaging with men for money, remember this:

A housewife is just a less hot hooker in a long-term lease.

Wifey’s tethered to an allowance, while the pretty woman’s doing whoever she pleases whenever she wants, for however much money she can get.

So who’s the better business woman?

» Stella McCartney thigh-high boots $965, Net-a-Porter

Halloween is all about:

Goth glam and black fun.

Getting a spell on.

Dressing more slutty than usual.

Which would be hard, without these Jimmy Choo boot shoes called “Spell.”

Happy Halloween, lovelies.

XXXO,
K

» Jimmy Choo boot sling-backs $1,200, Net-a-Porter.com

With a new season falling in, I like to strip my life down to its best: people who make me the most profit, work that inspires the most pleasure; I whittle away my life to things with a most ambitious arch–

Like Pretty Woman, patent Pedro Garcia boots. Ruthlessly clean in design, just a bare bootie that’s glossy boss, these Pedro Garcia boots are a reminder of what life should be:

Simple, smart, and–

Oozing S-E-X.

» Pedro Garcia booties $440, Net-a-Porter

Though I think the world is black and white truths and a rainbow of feeling, sometimes I see the gray: I’m confident enough to wonder if I’ll be smart enough to max out my potential, I don’t want to get locked down in wedlock but I wonder if I’ll meet anyone I’d like to marry, and I–

Wonder when these Jimmy Choo boots will go on sale.

Full retail or slashed half price, the Jimmy Choo boots are still glossy boss in a gray patent leather that’s the perfect shield for those rare rainy days in L.A.

» Jimmy Choo boots in gray patent leather $1,125, Net-a-Porter

Dear Kristopher,
I recently bought a pair of fur boots. They are knee-high and beige grey. They are real fur, and I’m uncertain of how to wear them without coming across as ordinary, awkward, or a Chewbacca! Do you have any advice?

Thanks,
Camilla

I’m always full of advice, always full of soy lattes, always full of _____ (feel free to leave a comment and fill in the blank, you dirty, lovely things).

It’d be obvious to rock your fur boots with some second-skin pants and a tunic, but–

You’re not obvious. So check this boss little red dress by Karen Zambo Vintage Couture ($330). Neither vintage nor couture, it’s a simple shift in a red, sunset print, and the fresh frock will style cheeky chic against your furry boots, without being overly gimmicky.

Unlike this punch line.

XXXO,
K

» Fur boots $375 $225 via ColeHaan.com

» Want to know how to rock a leopard skirt, where to buy trashy lingerie, or the meaning of life? Email KRiSTOPHER.

I’ve only lived in America all twenty-some years of my life, and from what I understand Labor Day should be celebrated not laboring. But so long as Starbucks is serving iced soy green tea lattes, I’m grinding hard, prowling the web for the most boss Christian Louboutins for you lovelies, I’m positively sweating for shoes that spell S-E-X.

Like this Christian Louboutin boot.

With a long and hard heel stuck into an ambitious arch, with peek-a-boo strips of leather and fishnet melting into a passion-red sole, this Christian Louboutin boot is the perfect shoe for a Labor Day that celebrates the pleasure and profit of being a woman working for herself.

So slip on these Christian Louboutin boots, and work your tight little ass off.

Lying on your back.

…With your laptop balanced on your stomach as you innocently tickle your typepad and write the opposite-of-wet business plans.

» Christian Louboutin boot in fishnet $970, Bergdorf Goodman

A five-inch heel in cognac leather that’s second-skin up to your knees means these boss Christian Louboutin boots will have you looking like a very Pretty Woman come fall double-oh-seven.

These Christian Louboutin boots–with your little virgin white dress–may style you so pretty a woman, that these “fuck me” “fuck you” boots might pay for themselves.

Lewd wink, wink.

Because, you know, a monk will see you on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood and offer to take you to a classy dinner of holy bread and alcohol-free wine that costs about a grand.

That’s what I was implying.

» Christian Louboutin boots $1,295, Net-a-Porter.com

Hi! I was wondering if you knew of any open-toe boots? I totally fell in love with the ones from the movie In Her Shoes. (Cameron Diaz’s character wears a kick-ass pair in the scene were she gets kicked out of her sister’s house.) Do you know who the designer is by any chance? I was thinking they could be Louboutin. Not sure… Please help!

Thank you
Galaxie

The closest I could find to Cameron Diaz’s peep-toe boots in In Her Shoes are these Givenchy open-toe boots–

But these open-toe boots are sold out on Zappos Couture.

Your other options, lovely? A thickly T-strapped Gucci sandal ($382), Faith’s open-toe boots (£45/$92), or–

Figuring out how to turn Tom Ford straight, because, though my name is Kristopher and I like boys, I don’t think his sexual orientation moons around me.

How will that help you get Cameron Diaz’s open-toe boots? Not sure.

XXXO,
K

These patent-tipped Christian Loboutin boot shoes — or Christian Loboutin shoe boots — are exclusive to e-boutique Net-a-Porter, and, in my soy latte-soaked mind, exclusive to my alternate life –

I should have loved these patent-tipped, faux-buttoned Christian Louboutin boot shoes were I trapped in Harry Potter book series.

As the trampy, vampy substitute teacher at Hogwarts.

» Christian Louboutin boot shoes $925, Net-a-Porter

I love your sense of style. I have these boots and they are fierce, but I have no idea what to wear with them that would be equally chic. I was thinking sweater dress, but it seems blah. I’m hoping you can help me. And believe it or not… They look even more FABULOUS in person. The expresso color is rich and they look so hot. Sometimes I wear them around the house in bra and panties… But, alas I can’t go outside like that.
Indigo

Which is a shame, I know.

So since you can’t vibe S-E-X in all caps, style more your boss lady boots more cheeky chic, a la a crayon-yellow, dungaree dress from See by Chloe ($410).

The See by Chloe dress’s lemon yellow will rock right against your boots’ espresso, the See by Chloe frock’s blooming mini will play against your boots’ second-skin cut, and the See by Chloe’s mini mini –

May give you reason to consider keeping on that oh so pretty underwear of yours.

XXXO,
K