Coco de Mer blindfold $60, Coco de Mer USA.com

My iPhone vibrates against my thigh, flashing that The Boy is calling. I stretch on the nude leather of his bedroom’s chaise lounge, in an unchaste yawn, before I press ACCEPT. “Yes, sexy one?”

“Can you come up the elevator and open the garage door for me?”

“Done.” I hop up, and in and out the small lift, into the garage. I feel against the dark wall, and press the first blur of a button I touch. One of the mahogany doors yawns open, like a heavy curtain rising. I see The Boy waiting for me, though I’m out of his line of vision, like an actress paused in the wings of a stage. “Want to play dress up?” I ask.

“I want to play ‘get rid of the garbage,’” says The Boy. “I can’t see you. Where are you?”

“I’m standing on some rug,” I answer, tiptoeing to the carpet’s curling edge. “I don’t mind a dirty mind, but dirty feet don’t get me off.”

“So open the other garage door so I can see you.”

I finger another button, and a second door slides up. The inside of the garage is spotlighted by the sun, setting the scene: a young femme fatale looks on while the older man, The Boy, sweats, maintaining his Los Angeles land. I step out further into the light. “You want to watch me so you can touch yourself?”

“Precisely,” says The Boy, not looking up from the empty boxes he’s juggling.

I rub my breasts through my blush-pink nightie, snaking my hands down my stomach, lids lowered; I’m playing Clara Bow. “How’s this?” My breath is a moan, spiraling down in time with my hips. His name slides off my lips.

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Missoni sun hat $210, Net-a-Porter.com

“Wake up, baby.”

I blink away a dream of hard blacks and whites, and the Pacific sun dances on my face and bells’ bright noise bounce through the room.

“Listen, it’s that church,” The Boy says. I look out the window, and over hotels crumbling into the blue air, I see a green hillside tiled with soft white homes, setting off the rusting iron crown of a church tower.

“Very charming,” I say. Then I sit up, listening more carefully. “That’s my iPhone’s alarm.” I turn it off.

“Oh,” The Boy says, and his voice is an echo of mine from last night, when we taxied into seaside Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and passed my personal North Star, Starbucks. “La estrellas bucks!” I cooed. “So we’re still in civilization.”

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These D&G Dolce & Gabbana gloves are perfect for the next time a man disrespects you: a fast whack on his face and he’ll turn a cherry red that’ll complement the boss black leather and lapin (that’s French for “expensive rabbit fur”).

Asking you to be his wife, and not his mistress.

How dare he.

Proposing a long-term lease with an allowance, instead of pay for performance…

What does he think? That you’re bad in math and bed?

» Dolce & Gabbana gloves $315, Net-a-Porter

Life is less drudging through democracy and more aspiring to aristocracy. Life is pulling yourself above the mess of the masses. Life is besting the rest in your own way: maybe you’re a baroness of business, a princess of pop, maybe–

You just give great brain.

So sash yourself with this gold, jeweled Oscar de la Renta belt. Sun-king satin lifts your everywoman, (house)wife beater into a queenly state, dainty chains lock down your confidence, and topaz tiles would shine nice on you naked, as you play courtesan in your couture.

Really.

Your boy’ll be inspired to worship the queen that king’ed him

» Oscar de la Renta belt $540, Vivre.com

Because as much as I like rubbing my vintage snakeskin bags against my cheek and telling whichever Los Angeleno asks that the bag is real and my fav pet, living in a city full of flip-flops and calloused soles is rubbing wrong my soul, and the charm of people wondering if I’m a foreign exchange student is wearing thin like my impromptu fake French, and–

eLUXURY doesn’t ship this python Fendi belt to California.

Dude.

I’m like, totally, taking L.A. out of my Sidekick for reals now.

» Python Fendi belt $1,005, eLUXURY

You’re more likely to leave sunglasses in the car and sit on them than Paris Hilton is to do so to her Tinkerbell, than Nicole Richie is to do to her baby.

So stock up on cheap Forever 21 sunglasses, which are just as boss as an iced green tea soy latte for summer.

Cheaper, too.

» Cheap sunglasses $5 via Forever 21.com

To keep your hands clean of a dirty world — there are people who think sex evil, who find selfishness sick — being gorgeously gloved is very necessary for any boss lady, just as much as her little black dress.

And especially when she’s rocking her very, very little black dress. These python Burberry gloves are perfect when the temptation snakes into your companion, so you have to slap them with a single glove, and remind them you’re worth at least a sugar-free vanilla soy latte before you rip off your red lace Frederick’s of Hollywood undies.

I’m thinking of wearing these python Burberry gloves for p.m. play with my MacBook. Sitting alone, often nothing but hipster panties on, sometimes I get too fresh with myself.

Which works, because, with a love for animals greater than PETA poster chick Stella McCartney’s, I don’t mind feeling snakeskin slapping my baby face.

And I’m so secretly crushing on myself.

» Python Burberry gloves $750, Neiman Marcus

Polka-dotted ostrich skin, leopard-spotted pony hair, flaking butter-yellow snakeskin–

I adore all sorts of glammy dead animals.

And while it amuses me to mostly collect pets that’d have the better of me were we outside a jungle not prefaced with “urban”–

Pheasants strike me as pleasant head gear. Not only is my menagerie missing feathered friends, but a wide headband will un-muss my bob without missing a minute.

Which might mean enough time to skip a soy latte lunch for grilled shark tacos.

» Feather wide headband $28 via Urban Outfitters

It’s the thought that counts.

Says the boy who thought he was on to a good deal, buying you a Fouie Uuitton pochette from Canal Street for a Benjamin.

Show him how to do: when you’re giving the gift of conspicuous consumption, do it conspicuously, do it authentic, and do it luxe.

100% cashmere, with a monochromatic Louis Vuitton monogram, this Louis Vuitton scarf is a classic way to spoil your fav fella or lady, this cashmere Louis Vuitton scarf whispers warmth, money, and -

A quiet reminder that “replica” is not a special Louis Vuitton collection.

» Monogram cashmere Louis Vuitton scarf $570 via eLuxury

Ooh la love.

Celine leather opera gloves let you rock your ¾-sleeved jackets into fall.

Celine leather opera gloves give you uptown Breakfast at Tiffany’s elegance and downtown Vivienne Westwood sex.

Celine leather opera gloves keep your hands clean as you hustle 9 to 5 and girl about town 9 to 5 (am).

» Celine leather opera gloves $770 at Net-a-Porter.