You’re more likely to leave sunglasses in the car and sit on them than Paris Hilton is to do so to her Tinkerbell, than Nicole Richie is to do to her baby.

So stock up on cheap Forever 21 sunglasses, which are just as boss as an iced green tea soy latte for summer.

Cheaper, too.

» Cheap sunglasses $5 via Forever 21.com

To keep your hands clean of a dirty world — there are people who think sex evil, who find selfishness sick — being gorgeously gloved is very necessary for any boss lady, just as much as her little black dress.

And especially when she’s rocking her very, very little black dress. These python Burberry gloves are perfect when the temptation snakes into your companion, so you have to slap them with a single glove, and remind them you’re worth at least a sugar-free vanilla soy latte before you rip off your red lace Frederick’s of Hollywood undies.

I’m thinking of wearing these python Burberry gloves for p.m. play with my MacBook. Sitting alone, often nothing but hipster panties on, sometimes I get too fresh with myself.

Which works, because, with a love for animals greater than PETA poster chick Stella McCartney’s, I don’t mind feeling snakeskin slapping my baby face.

And I’m so secretly crushing on myself.

» Python Burberry gloves $750, Neiman Marcus

Polka-dotted ostrich skin, leopard-spotted pony hair, flaking butter-yellow snakeskin–

I adore all sorts of glammy dead animals.

And while it amuses me to mostly collect pets that’d have the better of me were we outside a jungle not prefaced with “urban”–

Pheasants strike me as pleasant head gear. Not only is my menagerie missing feathered friends, but a wide headband will un-muss my bob without missing a minute.

Which might mean enough time to skip a soy latte lunch for grilled shark tacos.

» Feather wide headband $28 via Urban Outfitters

It’s the thought that counts.

Says the boy who thought he was on to a good deal, buying you a Fouie Uuitton pochette from Canal Street for a Benjamin.

Show him how to do: when you’re giving the gift of conspicuous consumption, do it conspicuously, do it authentic, and do it luxe.

100% cashmere, with a monochromatic Louis Vuitton monogram, this Louis Vuitton scarf is a classic way to spoil your fav fella or lady, this cashmere Louis Vuitton scarf whispers warmth, money, and -

A quiet reminder that “replica” is not a special Louis Vuitton collection.

» Monogram cashmere Louis Vuitton scarf $570 via eLuxury

Ooh la love.

Celine leather opera gloves let you rock your ¾-sleeved jackets into fall.

Celine leather opera gloves give you uptown Breakfast at Tiffany’s elegance and downtown Vivienne Westwood sex.

Celine leather opera gloves keep your hands clean as you hustle 9 to 5 and girl about town 9 to 5 (am).

» Celine leather opera gloves $770 at Net-a-Porter.

You could buy mutual funds, stocks, real estate.

Or you could invest in a signature-print silk Pucci scarf.

At 30% below retail value, I say it’s a smart move.

That you can enjoy, and resale on eBay, should the Pucci scarf’s psychedelic chic lose its novelty as a classic collectible.

» Pucci scarf on sale at Bluefly.

It’s been months, years, eons since I posted an fashion article of mine.

Your soul has been starving, and let my fashion journalist genius feed it:

Zipping around uptown Manhattan, grocery shopping in over-the-knee boots, five pounds of black eye shadow, and layers of vintage chiffon, I get looks from Gapped-out nannies and minked-out moms, finally wondering:

Aren’t they over-familiar with the boho/SoHo bum get-ups of tabloid cover girls Olsen twin #2 and Sienna Kate Moss Miller?

So I escape downtown, soy latte hunting, and soon overtaken by a fleet of flat, slouchy, misshapen boots, smothered in excesses of bloated sweaters, drowning in a sea of mismatched apparel, I was forced to question:

Is ugly the new haute?

Read the rest of “Behind the Design with Aviva UnderPants” here…

The perpetual traffic. The natives’ ooh la love for flip-flops, faux boobs, and orange skin.

The amazing weather gorgeous year-round that traps my mink fur coats, fur capelets, fox fur hats, fur boots, and vintage fur muffs in my closet.

I hate Los Angeles.

Were I in New York City, extremely sleep deprived, shelling out $6 for a soy latte, almost getting hit by an angry cab as I run back to my thousand-dollar-plus shoebox I call home, I could be wearing this Tryst natural rabbit fur jacket.

Maybe I’ll buy it anyway and wear it over a bikini.

And probably get arrested for prostitution.

» Tryst rabbit fur coat available at Bluefly.

» Ralph Lauren bikini available at Bluefly.

Blame a Los Angelena childhood, but I refuse to put away my summer dresses even in the middle of Manhattan winter.

Still, I’m not all insensibility — picture one of my summer dresses with a pair of (painted on) jeans, a (ridiculously large cashmere) scarf, (thigh-high) boots, and a (chocolate mink) peacoat.

Slave to fashion, I am not.

As the media rehashes vice president Dick Cheney’s hunting accident over and over and over again, astute fashion writer I am, I can’t help but ponder –

Does this mean trapper hats are in for another few months?

My fav fur trappers are — naturally — the way ridiculous, super-sized fox fur trappers. Dig this one — large and furry beyond necessity, it’s begging for a tofu pie from PETA and to be worn ironically in warm weather with a summer-y black dress.

You could also play more practical, sans sacrificing luxe. Dig Gucci’s black logo, fur-lined trapper. It’s more subtle, sleek, and if you tire of it in a few months, you’re virtually guaranteed a decent refund via eBay.

As for me, I’m dusting off my Oscar de la Renta suit — I’m hoping Senator Hillary Clinton will have a love affair infamously documented on her apparel so that designer power suits will be back in.