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Chloe “Myrte” sunglasses $290, Net-a-Porter.com
Though I practically live there already since I’m in Los Angeles, The Boy, my boy, is taking us to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico this weekend.

It should be exotic to be around so many people speaking English.

“The Boy’s taking you to Mexico?” my brother asked, on instant message. “Who’s paying?”

“Well, The Boy is, but it’s not like he’s a real sugar daddy,” I typed back. “I think he wants to sell me there.”

I’m trying to lay my Splenda daddy during our lay over, but he’s politely declined.

Details on all the carb-free tacos I eat and sunshine I block off with SPF 45 to follow.

XXXO,
K

These D&G Dolce & Gabbana gloves are perfect for the next time a man disrespects you: a fast whack on his face and he’ll turn a cherry red that’ll complement the boss black leather and lapin (that’s French for “expensive rabbit fur”).

Asking you to be his wife, and not his mistress.

How dare he.

Proposing a long-term lease with an allowance, instead of pay for performance…

What does he think? That you’re bad in math and bed?

� Dolce & Gabbana gloves $315, Net-a-Porter

You could play safe, loop your life around a comfortable circle: settle for a mate, for a nine-to-five, for what everyone supposes everyone else wants.

Or you could play passionately, build a life of real right angles: menage with men and women who inspire you, climb ambitious heights on a self-styled ladder, make your own world of unique beauty.

So pick: mom jeans and getting belted into boring, or this Missoni lattice belt barely caging your creativity.

One’s risque and risky.

One’s plain scary.

� Missoni lattice belt $1,486, Net-a-Porter

Life is less drudging through democracy and more aspiring to aristocracy. Life is pulling yourself above the mess of the masses. Life is besting the rest in your own way: maybe you’re a baroness of business, a princess of pop, maybe–

You just give great brain.

So sash yourself with this gold, jeweled Oscar de la Renta belt. Sun-king satin lifts your everywoman, (house)wife beater into a queenly state, dainty chains lock down your confidence, and topaz tiles would shine nice on you naked, as you play courtesan in your couture.

Really.

Your boy’ll be inspired to worship the queen that king’ed him

� Oscar de la Renta belt $540, Vivre.com

Louis Vuitton bum bag $710, eLUXURY
There’s something boss about a Louis Vuitton bum bag.

The Louis logo brags European chic to balance the bum bag’s timeless tourist vibe, to equal classic style.

Like getting mugged in New York’s Times Square, or, similarly–

Getting fucked up the ass.

Most people’s “when I make it” includes a car they’ll accessorize with leather interiors that clean nice after pricey blow jobs, but I’d rather own Porsche sunglasses–Carrera-style–and a driver, than a Carrera.

Till Alfred’s chauffeuring me to strip clubs, I’ll be in fifth gear in five-inch heels and these Porsche sunglasses, sipping a hellish hot soy latte, double-checking appointments on a smart phone smarter than I, I–

Figure I can blame an accident on being a � Asian Cracker Jap.

� Porsche “Carrera” sunglasses, $375, Refinery29Shops.com

Because as much as I like rubbing my vintage snakeskin bags against my cheek and telling whichever Los Angeleno asks that the bag is real and my fav pet, living in a city full of flip-flops and calloused soles is rubbing wrong my soul, and the charm of people wondering if I’m a foreign exchange student is wearing thin like my impromptu fake French, and–

eLUXURY doesn’t ship this python Fendi belt to California.

Dude.

I’m like, totally, taking L.A. out of my Sidekick for reals now.

� Python Fendi belt $1,005, eLUXURY