Fox fur muff $350, MadisonAveMall.com

ShoeBlog.com has asked me to spill seven secrets. If you didn’t already know…

1. I shop like a Kristopher, not a Krissy. I barely, rarely browse for fashion offline. I know what I want, I buy it, and I work it. Same goes for men.
2. I keep fur in my fridge. Think three vintage fur muffs, a rabbit-trimmed head scarf, and a vintage Saks mink cap. I’ve also got some water in there. My main regret living in Los Angeles? It doesn’t get cold enough for glammy dead pets, and I love animals more than PETA.
3. I own crotchless panties. This probably isn’t a secret. I’ve got two rules for buying lingerie: either underwear’s got to be wearable as outerwear, or it should be unmentionable. Though I’ll usually mention it.
4. My legal name is Kristopher Dukes. I’ve met people who knew my dot-com, but didn’t think a girl named Kristopher really existed. A flash of California I.D. later they were convinced, though confused as to why I wasn’t dancing on the table.
5. I own New Balance sneakers. My sneakers are the unicorns of closets, they’re an urban myth, like models who don’t do coke. I wear them everyday — jogging. My dad saw me working out in them once, and even he was shocked I don’t exercise in hooker heels.
6. I stopped sipping six soy lattes a day. My gorgeous espresso machine is drying up, as I’ve been Starbucksing for sugar-free, green tea soy lattes. Can I have, like, a side of hip-hop yoga with that? The stuff of pussies, I know.
7. I’m really a 40-year-old virgin in Texas who owns three cats.

Whose dirty lingerie do you boss ladies want to air? Leave a comment and name a blogger. First three bloggers listed, considered yourselves tagged.

Barbara Bui boot $745 $670 with promocode “kristopher” *, ShopJake.com

Life’s not a bitch, life’s a beautiful woman with legs ready to spread.

Because of brain, you can dine with her on animals twice as brawny as you, without any more effort than lifting your little finger for a waiter.

You can bed her in a flat higher than fowl fly, you can travel with her faster than a cheetah, you can–

Dress for life in an urbane Barbara Bui boot, made of three different beasts: black suede, black fox fur, black patent leather.

The Barbara Bui boot’s 4½” heel is all ambitious arch, like life should lie down and curve her back for you.

It’s good to be on top–of the food chain.

* GET 10% OFF SHOPJAKE.com WITH PROMOCODE “KRISTOPHER” UNTIL JANUARY 1, 2008.

Dear Kristopher,
I recently bought a pair of fur boots. They are knee-high and beige grey. They are real fur, and I’m uncertain of how to wear them without coming across as ordinary, awkward, or a Chewbacca! Do you have any advice?

Thanks,
Camilla

I’m always full of advice, always full of soy lattes, always full of _____ (feel free to leave a comment and fill in the blank, you dirty, lovely things).

It’d be obvious to rock your fur boots with some second-skin pants and a tunic, but–

You’re not obvious. So check this boss little red dress by Karen Zambo Vintage Couture ($330). Neither vintage nor couture, it’s a simple shift in a red, sunset print, and the fresh frock will style cheeky chic against your furry boots, without being overly gimmicky.

Unlike this punch line.

XXXO,
K

» Fur boots $375 $225 via ColeHaan.com

» Want to know how to rock a leopard skirt, where to buy trashy lingerie, or the meaning of life? Email KRiSTOPHER.

An blob of brown fur, just because this Vivienne Westwood designer dud dubs itself “lapin” instead of plain rabbit fur, excuse my fucking French, but even a couple-grand price tag won’t make me question my boss taste and consider this Vivienne Westwood bag grand.

So why might I still invest in the Vivienne Westwood bag?

I’m just courting PETA love, and I figure $2,085 is about what I’d pay a publicist for the press I might get toting this Vivienne Westwood tote with a chihuahua smothering in it.

While I enjoy a veal salad and sip a soy latte.

» Vivienne Westwood bag $2,085, Net-a-Porter

Though Christian Louboutin put an Alpaca to non-use, and I do love animals more than PETA–

This Christian Louboutin bag is double-kill with calfskin handles, and it isn’t even haute.

Or hot.

A blob of brown fur, maybe if Christian Louboutin worked in an endangered animal I’d dub it boss.

» Alpaca Christian Louboutin bag $1,695, Saks

Sandals iced with mink vibe the max in gratuitous fur, in lavishly anti-Bambi luxe, but really —

It’s only because your girl named Kristopher adores animals more than PETA that she’s lusting for these Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, these mink and purple velvet babies, baby.

I’d love to add a new pet to my menagerie —

Snaky clutches, Marc-y Marc Jacobs leopard-print trenches, ostrich-skinned arm candy, ponyhair pumps, lamb capelets crowd my L.A. zoo so far.

— And my jazz baby-era building won’t allow standard-sized poodles.

» Velvet and mink Giuseppe Zanotti shoes $336 via Bluefly

[Republished from ThisNext's blog]

Mamma Earth, your K knows cotton and linen and hemp have endured centuries of being plucked from being warm and cozy sun-soaked fields, of being tormented and twisted into gorgeous garments for others’ pure pleasure and profit.

So I’ll save a plant on your big day, and rock instead this vintage ’60s minky mink.

Tailored tight to highlight my hot hourglass, it’s a classically luxe coat in espresso black that’s really a figurative green –

Vintage mink is how girls named Kristopher do recycling.

» Vintage ’60s mink coat $1,405 via Posh Girl Vintage

[Republished from ThisNext's blog.]

So your K’s been going a little handbag happy around here -

Let’s take a breather, ladies, and dig this mink Coach key chain.

One - but not you - might misthink this mignon mink Coach key chain is a gratuitous celebration of fur, and I’m posting about it simply to court PETA love and therefore easy publicity.

But this pinky chic Coach mink key chain is practical luxe.

You’d be le shocked how cold your keys get in Los Angeles winters.

» Coach mink key chain $109 via eBay.

Patricia Green mink slippers make your most boss lady’s list of must-haves, ’cause:

Mink slippers - doubly luxe lined in shearling - protect her worth-their-weight-in-gold Chanel satin-tipped toes.

Mink-y mink slippers are the only jolie-ugly, fur-lined flats she’ll do; even Kate Moss couldn’t convince her of Mukluks.

Mink slippers will be her fav pet; her skyrise building wouldn’t allow her to house a teacup poodle.

Fortunately for me and my dot-com.

‘Cause suggesting a teacup poodle wouldn’t get me free press from PETA love as quickly.

» Patricia Green mink slippers $215 via Saks.

Ooh la love.

A mink-trimmed Salvatore Ferragamo handbag is practical luxe, because:

A mink Salvatore Ferragamo hobo lets me meet my glammy dead animal quota in Los Angeles’ 60°F winters.

A mink Salvatore Ferragamo handbag keeps my Treo toasty, unlike my snakey clutch.

A completely mink Salvatore Ferragamo handbag would just be ridiculous.

Though I’d rock one.

.

» Mink-trimmed Salvatore Ferragamo handbag $1,590 via Neiman Marcus.