تركت ك [شنل] إتفاق [أت هوم], سفر ضوء إلى [هوليدي برتي] ك:

ك مال, نعناع, صولجان, هاتف جوّال, وثلاثة كيس واق طية داخل [ا] تدّ [روسّي] قابض, يغلّف شظية من فضة.

استعملت المرآة جلد معدنيّة أن [تريبل-شك] بنفسي مثل غالبا بما أنّ يحبّ أنت, دون أيّ شخص يعرف.

وأنت [شوولد-وو] تنظر حارّة, حتّى جيّدة من المتأنقة أنت يكون ترقص مع.

هكذا شققته, ويتلقّى أنت وتدّ [روسّي] لقمة سريعة حالة لهو ب أنفسكم في الغرفة حمّام.

» تدّ [روسّي] قابض $325, Vivre.com

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أنا أسمع [إيفون] ي لامعة جعلت ه قديمة مدرسة حلقة, وأنا يبتسم في ال [بلوك نومبر] يدعو, ويجيب أنا: "ماذا يكون أنت يرتدي, بركة فتى?”

"كيف يثير تكون أنت حول أنّ لعب حصل أنت في البريد إلكترونيّ?" يسأل الفتى.

[إي] إصبع ال [بلوش-بينك] يعبّئ من غنيمة قاعة, يكذب على مكتبي. "لا بما أنّ يثير بما أنّ أنا كنت قبل أن استعملهم أنا."

"سابقا?" يسأل الفتى. "أشعل أنت شمعات وتلقّى زجاج الخمر?"

"[أف كورس]," يقول أنا. "غير أنّ ضمن خمسة دقائق تلقّف أنا حلمتي. هكذا بعد ذلك لطمبنفسي أنا. أنا قلت, `الذي ال [فوك] أنت يفكّر أنت يكون?'

استمرّت يقرأ"

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هناك شيء رئيس حوالي [ا] [لوويس] [فويتّون] حقيبة رديئة.

[لوويس] يتبجّح علامة تجاريّة أوروبيّة [شك] أن يوازن الرديئة حقيبة [فيب] [تيملسّ] سياحيّة, أن يساوي أسلوب كلاسيكيّة.

مثل يحصل يكشّر في نيويورك [تيم سقور], أو, [سميلرل-]

يحصل [فوك] فوق ال [أسّ.].

» [لوويس] [فويتّون] حقيبة رديئة $710, [إلوإكسوري]

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This crystal Devi Kroell clutch is exactly how a woman should be:

Built unique on her own solid, original base; confidently bold with smart, almost blinding shine; and naturally exclusive about what she lets into her.

Relatedly–

Like a boss Devi Kroell clutch, you should be motherfucking expensive.

» Devi Kroell box clutch $1,890.00, Net-a-Porter.com

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This Parisian Abaco bag is like a man: you want it to mellow into maturity, to age smart, to–

Have plenty of years to get great in bed.

See the Abaco bag’s front pouch? How it’ll just fit some extremely modest pajamas, perhaps a bunny-print onesie?

That’s what I meant.

You dirty motherfucker.

» Abaco bag $635, Shop Intuition.com

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With a skull clasp capping a silver, minimalist coffin for your coins and keys, this Alexander McQueen bag is boss for the modern femme fatale.

Bury your celly in the Alexander McQueen clutch, and go murder men at your Monday meeting.

I mean “murder” figuratively. You know, business-wise.

Though if dude makes disparages your sex, you could accidentally step on his toes with your fuck me fuck you shoes.

I mean “accidentally” figuratively, and the “Fuck you” for him–

Literally?

» Alexander McQueen skull clutch $1,010, Net-a-Porter

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A clever sliver of silver, this Kotur clutch is so simple it’s brilliant, so ruthlessly minimalist it’s rich, this boss Kotur clutch is a metaphor of how I plan to live my life.

Relatedly, the Kotur clutch looks like a designer dildo.

» Kotur Clutch $348, Vivre.com

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Life isn’t meant to be boxed, relationships aren’t meant to be stuffed into dull corners, ideas aren’t ink for coward-yellow sticky notes decorating the walls of your cubicle.

Life should be a wide-open frolic ’round a world you build, relationships a cyclical trade of pleasure for pleasure, ideas should make up an ever-evolving rainbow you ride and slide into a pot of gold with.

And the only box you should cherish is a crystal-riddled clutch by Devi Kroell. Wood becomes urbane as a fresh material for evening gear, set off by rectangular crystals as clear as your independent vision, in a rich brown so that the Devi Kroell clutch box is boss with your chocolate mink coat.

When you take yourself on a date to a vegan cafe.

» Devi Kroell clutch in wood $1,390 via Net-a-Porter

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Patent leather isn’t only for a very Pretty Woman. Patent leather–quilted into Chanel chic, in a jet-set jet, Birkin-boxy bag–is pure uptown girl.

You know, the girls who trade S-E-X for whining and dining instead of a fast flash of cash. Unlike other ladies sporting patent leather, instead of getting a grand a night, country club chicks lock in a long-term lease, they trade access to their body for access to a trust fund, Park Ave. penthouse, and a nanny for their boring babies.

All gloss and boss, just like their marriage to the dude who paid for them, this Roberto Cavalli bag is glassy class, but structured stiff and hardly romantic.

Not like when you sex yourself.

» Roberto Cavalli bag in quilted patent leather $1,790 via eLUXURY

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Even a boyfriend who hit 50 countries in a year was impressed with how I stuffed my “Betty Boopy shit” into a single bag for our one-week trip hitting four cities.

While flying buses aren’t excepted from my uniform of hooker heels and flapper frocks–

I pack like a dude.

And I always carry on. When you check in, you’re check yes to a risk of losing luggage, you check yes to your goodies getting fondled worse than you on prom night, you check yes to at least a half-hour that could be better spent with $10 on an iced soy latte at the airport Starbucks.

So check this carry-on Diane von Furstenberg luggage. The expandable suitcase is lined with DvF logos and a detachable toiletries kit, the pretty pewter makes the Diane von Furstenberg suitcase hard to lose sans shouting “Steal me” like a Louis print, and the boss DvF suitcase has rolling wheels, a necessary convenience when you travel alone and–

Haven’t eaten anything since yesterday.

Have a happy Labor Day weekend jetaway, lovelies.

XXXO,
K

» Diane von Furstenberg suitcase $200, eBags.com

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Late luxe hotelier and billionaire Leona Helmsley willed $12 million to her Maltese dog dubbed Trouble, and left her grandkids cold and broke.

And since I love animals more than PETA, maybe more than I love a well articulated “Fuck you” from the grave, I want to gently lay this snaky Oscar de la Renta bag on Ms. Helmsley’s mausoleum.

All platinum python piped with gold hardware and 24K leather, with a slight slouch echoing the shape of ’80s Me Me Me bags, it’s the perfect tribute to Ms. Helmsley.

I just pray the python-skin came from an endangered snake.

» Oscar de la Renta Bag in metallic python $3,895 via Vivre.com

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An blob of brown fur, just because this Vivienne Westwood designer dud dubs itself “lapin” instead of plain rabbit fur, excuse my fucking French, but even a couple-grand price tag won’t make me question my boss taste and consider this Vivienne Westwood bag grand.

So why might I still invest in the Vivienne Westwood bag?

I’m just courting PETA love, and I figure $2,085 is about what I’d pay a publicist for the press I might get toting this Vivienne Westwood tote with a chihuahua smothering in it.

While I enjoy a veal salad and sip a soy latte.

» Vivienne Westwood bag $2,085 via Net-a-Porter

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Though Christian Louboutin put an Alpaca to non-use, and I do love animals more than PETA–

This Christian Louboutin bag is double-kill with calfskin handles, and it isn’t even haute.

Or hot.

A blob of brown fur, maybe if Christian Louboutin worked in an endangered animal I’d dub it boss.

» Alpaca Christian Louboutin bag $1,695 va Saks

» Via OfftheRack.People.com

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You could park your money in a Park Ave. shoe box, you could stuff Benjamins under your mattress with your dirty lingerie, you could watch it grow thinner than Nicole Richie in a mutual fund, or you could invest your money in precious metals–

Like a silver metallic Moschino bag.

The twinkle of the crinkle leather is fresh for fall, the brown edging grounds the Moschino bag’s bright risk, and its basic Birkin bag shape makes your buying the Moschino bag as safe as Google’s bluechip stock–

You’ll be sure to resell the metallic Moschino bag on eBay after you tire of it.

» Silver metallic Moschino bag $1,769 via Zappos.com

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Designer shoes and designer bags at Neiman Marcus’ Last Call sale are almost half off, like Britney’s panties.

Only these shoes and bags are hot.

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