Ik hoor mijn glanzende iPhone zijn oude schoolring maakt, en ik bij geblokkeerd aantal het roepen glimlach, en ik antwoord: „Wat u die zijn dragen, pool jongen?”

„Hoe opgewekt u over die speelgoed zijn kreeg u in de post?“ vraagt de Jongen.

I vinger de blozen-roze verpakking van Booty Woonkamer, liggend op mijn bureau. „Niet zo opgewekt aangezien ik was alvorens ik hen.“ gebruikte

„Reeds?“ vraagt de Jongen. „Stak hebt u kaarsen aan en een glas wijn?“

„Natuurlijk,“ ik zeg. „Maar binnen vijf minuten greep ik mijn tits. Slapped ik zo toen. Ik zei, Who `fuck u denkt u?' bent

Blijf lezend“

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Er zijn iets werkgever over a Bum van Louis Vuitton zak.

Het Louis embleem schept Europese elegant op om de bum timeless toerist van de zak in evenwicht te brengen vibe, om klassieke stijl te evenaren.

Als overvallen het worden in het Vierkant van de Tijden van New York, of, zo ook

Het krijgen fucked omhoog de ezel.

» Bum van Louis Vuitton zak $710, eLUXURY

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Dit de koppeling van kristalDevi Kroell is precies hoe een vrouw zou moeten zijn:

Gebouwde uniek op haar eigen stevige, originele basis; vol vertrouwen glanzen de vette letters met slim, bijna verblindend; en natuurlijk exclusief over wat zij in haar laat.

Relatedly-

Als een chef- koppeling van Devi Kroell, zou u duur moeten motherfucking.

» De dooskoppeling van Kroell van Devi $1,890.00, Net-a-Porter.com

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This Parisian Abaco bag is like a man: you want it to mellow into maturity, to age smart, to–

Have plenty of years to get great in bed.

See the Abaco bag’s front pouch? How it’ll just fit some extremely modest pajamas, perhaps a bunny-print onesie?

That’s what I meant.

You dirty motherfucker.

» Abaco bag $635, Shop Intuition.com

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With a skull clasp capping a silver, minimalist coffin for your coins and keys, this Alexander McQueen bag is boss for the modern femme fatale.

Bury your celly in the Alexander McQueen clutch, and go murder men at your Monday meeting.

I mean “murder” figuratively. You know, business-wise.

Though if dude makes disparages your sex, you could accidentally step on his toes with your fuck me fuck you shoes.

I mean “accidentally” figuratively, and the “Fuck you” for him–

Literally?

» Alexander McQueen skull clutch $1,010, Net-a-Porter

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A clever sliver of silver, this Kotur clutch is so simple it’s brilliant, so ruthlessly minimalist it’s rich, this boss Kotur clutch is a metaphor of how I plan to live my life.

Relatedly, the Kotur clutch looks like a designer dildo.

» Kotur Clutch $348, Vivre.com

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Life isn’t meant to be boxed, relationships aren’t meant to be stuffed into dull corners, ideas aren’t ink for coward-yellow sticky notes decorating the walls of your cubicle.

Life should be a wide-open frolic ’round a world you build, relationships a cyclical trade of pleasure for pleasure, ideas should make up an ever-evolving rainbow you ride and slide into a pot of gold with.

And the only box you should cherish is a crystal-riddled clutch by Devi Kroell. Wood becomes urbane as a fresh material for evening gear, set off by rectangular crystals as clear as your independent vision, in a rich brown so that the Devi Kroell clutch box is boss with your chocolate mink coat.

When you take yourself on a date to a vegan cafe.

» Devi Kroell clutch in wood $1,390 via Net-a-Porter

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Patent leather isn’t only for a very Pretty Woman. Patent leather–quilted into Chanel chic, in a jet-set jet, Birkin-boxy bag–is pure uptown girl.

You know, the girls who trade S-E-X for whining and dining instead of a fast flash of cash. Unlike other ladies sporting patent leather, instead of getting a grand a night, country club chicks lock in a long-term lease, they trade access to their body for access to a trust fund, Park Ave. penthouse, and a nanny for their boring babies.

All gloss and boss, just like their marriage to the dude who paid for them, this Roberto Cavalli bag is glassy class, but structured stiff and hardly romantic.

Not like when you sex yourself.

» Roberto Cavalli bag in quilted patent leather $1,790 via eLUXURY

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Even a boyfriend who hit 50 countries in a year was impressed with how I stuffed my “Betty Boopy shit” into a single bag for our one-week trip hitting four cities.

While flying buses aren’t excepted from my uniform of hooker heels and flapper frocks–

I pack like a dude.

And I always carry on. When you check in, you’re check yes to a risk of losing luggage, you check yes to your goodies getting fondled worse than you on prom night, you check yes to at least a half-hour that could be better spent with $10 on an iced soy latte at the airport Starbucks.

So check this carry-on Diane von Furstenberg luggage. The expandable suitcase is lined with DvF logos and a detachable toiletries kit, the pretty pewter makes the Diane von Furstenberg suitcase hard to lose sans shouting “Steal me” like a Louis print, and the boss DvF suitcase has rolling wheels, a necessary convenience when you travel alone and–

Haven’t eaten anything since yesterday.

Have a happy Labor Day weekend jetaway, lovelies.

XXXO,
K

» Diane von Furstenberg suitcase $200, eBags.com

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Late luxe hotelier and billionaire Leona Helmsley willed $12 million to her Maltese dog dubbed Trouble, and left her grandkids cold and broke.

And since I love animals more than PETA, maybe more than I love a well articulated “Fuck you” from the grave, I want to gently lay this snaky Oscar de la Renta bag on Ms. Helmsley’s mausoleum.

All platinum python piped with gold hardware and 24K leather, with a slight slouch echoing the shape of ’80s Me Me Me bags, it’s the perfect tribute to Ms. Helmsley.

I just pray the python-skin came from an endangered snake.

» Oscar de la Renta Bag in metallic python $3,895 via Vivre.com

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An blob of brown fur, just because this Vivienne Westwood designer dud dubs itself “lapin” instead of plain rabbit fur, excuse my fucking French, but even a couple-grand price tag won’t make me question my boss taste and consider this Vivienne Westwood bag grand.

So why might I still invest in the Vivienne Westwood bag?

I’m just courting PETA love, and I figure $2,085 is about what I’d pay a publicist for the press I might get toting this Vivienne Westwood tote with a chihuahua smothering in it.

While I enjoy a veal salad and sip a soy latte.

» Vivienne Westwood bag $2,085 via Net-a-Porter

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Though Christian Louboutin put an Alpaca to non-use, and I do love animals more than PETA–

This Christian Louboutin bag is double-kill with calfskin handles, and it isn’t even haute.

Or hot.

A blob of brown fur, maybe if Christian Louboutin worked in an endangered animal I’d dub it boss.

» Alpaca Christian Louboutin bag $1,695 va Saks

» Via OfftheRack.People.com

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You could park your money in a Park Ave. shoe box, you could stuff Benjamins under your mattress with your dirty lingerie, you could watch it grow thinner than Nicole Richie in a mutual fund, or you could invest your money in precious metals–

Like a silver metallic Moschino bag.

The twinkle of the crinkle leather is fresh for fall, the brown edging grounds the Moschino bag’s bright risk, and its basic Birkin bag shape makes your buying the Moschino bag as safe as Google’s bluechip stock–

You’ll be sure to resell the metallic Moschino bag on eBay after you tire of it.

» Silver metallic Moschino bag $1,769 via Zappos.com

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Designer shoes and designer bags at Neiman Marcus’ Last Call sale are almost half off, like Britney’s panties.

Only these shoes and bags are hot.

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Patent leather Valentino platform pumps are an investment at $499, sans having to pay capital gains tax.

Super boss.

Plus you can’t wear Google stocks.

So reconsider contributing to your IRA this month, and check only the best from Intermix’s sale, lovelies.

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