Lulu snakeskin heart clutch $383, Lulu Guinness.com

“Charlie, do you know what the number one killer of women is?”

“No.” He knifes off a bit of spinach croissant, and looks slightly annoyed as pastry flakes fly into the air, like buttery snow. “Actually, isn’t it heart–”

“I thought it was toyfriends who were forced to watch Cashmere Sex and the Mafia Jungle,” I say. I break off a chunk of my Belgian chocolate and cherry scone, and the side of it keeps crumbling, like a rock slide off a miniature mountain of dessert. “Which would be fair. But it’s actually heart disease. And by heart disease, I don’t mean emotionalism set off listening to John Mayer singles. I mean actual heart disease.”

“I get it. I’m not in pre-med to do coke,” says Charlie. “So why are you eating that chunk of cholesterol?”

“You can hold my hair back in the bathroom while I get rid of it, right?” I ask. “And while we’re in there, I’ll take the Go Red for Women heart check-up on my iPhone.”

Vintage alligator carry-on $495, Vintage Skins.com

Anyone who tells you money can’t buy happiness has a price tag.

The person who hates money doesn’t know money is just a tool you craft while working for whatever you love, that cash is a cache for independence, that printed paper paves the expansion of your horizon, that money makes for fun when you trade it for a vintage alligator carry-on, plus tickets to Hong Kong for your 20-something’th birthday.

Along with Chinese hookers.

I mean hookahs.

Kale bag $695 $243, Haute Look.com

“She looks like she’s going to prom.”

The hair stylist pauses mid fluff, Carlota and I curb our cooing over the model’s ringlets, curls carefully highlighted to look sun-kissed. Adam reaches for a handful of organic trail mix. “I want effortlessly elegant. She looks like she’s going to a high school dance with that hair.”

“We can make the model’s waves looser,” Carlota says, “but I like them. Kristopher?”

“I like them, too,” I say. “It’s girl hair.”

“And we’re selling to girls,” says Carlota.

“All right, fine,” says Adam. “After a lifetime of being girls, you guys know what you’re talking about. I’ll go work on a million other things I can do that I actually know.”

The model slips on a vintage Chanel shift, a simple sheath of fabric impeccably tailored so that it melts into a background for the body wearing it. After many minutes of makeup, she naturally looks like a living doll.

“I wanted to tell you,” says a stylist, Mary, pausing her pinning. She’s a hipster hippie in high-waisted, wide jeans and a gold necklace worn as a headband over intentionally tousled hair. “I really love your site.”

KEEP READING »

Poppie Couture clutch in stingray $650, Poppie Couture.com

The most boss, the best in life is pared down, bared down, ruthlessly stripped to its essential function for form.

Think a Poppie Couture fold-over clutch in gold stingray, an iPhone for YouPorn.com, or–

A designer dildo.

Fendi Hologram clutch $722 $511

Because your cash is better bet on Google stock.

Because your dollars do better invested in a hooker.

If you didn’t win the Fendi Hologram clutch, buy it on sale.

R & Y Augousti bag $295 , Barneys.com

Irregular but right angles of bronze frame a slice of stingray, hard hugging a sliver of ostrich. Boss black for white tie, this R & Y Augousti bag is as green as it gets.

How many other designers love animals as much as R & Y Augousti?

$295 at Barney’s. Tax, a guiltless consciousness that prizes skyscrapers over mountains, and Hummer with chinchilla-covered seats and hummers from hookers not included.

Jimmy Choo bag “Pilar” $575, Jimmy Choo.com

Long and hard, blush red, wide-eyed and fresh, this Jimmy Choo bag makes me wonder why its model’s mouth is blocked out.

She’s probably eating–

A piece of a Bible-shaped cake, with virgin vanilla frosting detailing passages about that hooker Jesus hung with, Mary Magdalene.

Win this Jimmy Choo “Pilar” bag and other It bags from W magazine.

Zagliani Bag in 18K leather $2,495, Shop.HarveyNichols.com

If it’s defined as deserved decadence.

If it’s defined as luxury labored for.

If it’s defined as a celebration of self(ishness).

Greed still isn’t good.

Greed is great.

[Via Handbags.Luxist.com]