Prada shoes with flower heels $590, Neiman Marcus.com

A bouquet of blossoms is just a bunch of dead plants.

The only flowers worth presenting on V Day are these Prada shoes.

Gift yourself these flower Prada shoes, slip them on your stems, and put out.

As for your toyfriend –

You can’t say “I love you” without a big, capital “I.”

Jimmy Choo patent sandals $585, Net-a-Poter.com

Red means mad, red means blood, red means–

A color you can wear to promote National Wear Red Day, today, 24 hours set aside to raise awareness about heart disease. The number one killer of women — and their toyfriends, but who’s counting? — can be prevented.

In fact, I just replaced my heart with a Starbucks latte cup.

Email me for specifications, or you can also prevent heart disease with a visit to Go Red for Women.org.

Christian Louboutin shoes $755, Net-a-Porter.com

All things are not created equal.

Some hookers have the discipline to stand tall and live independently, resisting the gravity of lying flat; some housewives are scared of heights.

Some hookers have fearlessness to make their blues bright against a mad red sole; some housewives would rather live in a twilight of gray.

Some hookers trade value for value in order to pay for f**k-you shoes; some housewives live off an allowance of slippers.

But wherever, however you were born, remember: you can make yourself.

Hopefully into a woman that Christian Louboutin’ll make shoes for.

DAVIS by Ruthie Davis boots $625, ShopBop.com

Sometimes the building of life takes just as much stripping.

Wiping out any grays for a bright white of perspective.

Punching out holes so you can see through people’s bull.

Stripping your reach so it’s a most focused aim for the sky.

So get naked.

[DAVIS by Ruthie Davis boots via GetTRIO.com]

Christian Louboutin shoes, “Declic,” $640, Net-a-Porter.com

A lot of living life is as simple and clean as standing as tall as possible — not lying on your back, letting things come to you.

Unless you’re in a million-thread-count bed sheets, your legs stretching to the ceiling, your feet in these red-soled, f**k-you shoes.

You know, writing an opposite-of-wet business plan.

That can also prove profitable.

Bionda Castana shoes $629, Bianda Castana.com

Sex isn’t an indecent act of instinct, a lust you’re too lazy, too crazy to control.

Sex is desire that makes you watch your walk, sex is a slip inside something built for you before you knew it, sex is a pure pleasure to be paid for.

So slide on these shoes, arch your back in match to the heel, stretch your legs into the air, and –

Do yourself.