Using:

I might be embarrassed about finding a handcrafted, $900 solid sterling silver German Shepherd bangle bracelet I dig. But it’s not like I’m some nutty dog lady. I’ve got other sexy, important ish going on.

Like looking at custom car colors by Mercedes in the sunlight, twirling my hair, comparing Henry James’s novel The Wings of The Dove to the 1997 same-name movie, and using my new fur squeegee to harvest hair off of Major Dukes‘s custom Porsche dog car seat, to be woven into a scarf.

I’m kidding.

About twirling my hair…

Using:

Check that pebbled nose, those slick whiskers, that majestic flowing coat. I’d trade my collection of vintage Hermes scarves for this vintage German Shepherd dog scarf –

If five-figures of dough was rolled up in it…

Hating:

I’ve been wearing a German Shepherd dog sweater every day for over a year, and mine beats Balenciaga’s dog sweater: it works well with my made-to-order, monogrammed shirtdresses, retails for twenty times Balenciaga’s ridick price, and doesn’t make me look like an idiot (just an attention-hungry middle child).

The bummer about my German Shepherd dog sweater?  It leaves practically another dog sweater on its custom Porsche dog seat, but I bet this angora-blend Balenciaga German Shepherd dog sweater sheds just as much. The only bonus? No one would want to pet this one or its owner…
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Wanting:

I had the billion-dollar idea of inventing a retractable leash built into a dog collar.

So did a few other companies.

And thank god the inc.’s beat me to the punch — it turns out a dog collar with a built-in retractable leash is a 50-grand brain fart. These retractable-leash collars are on sale here, here, and here.

The best is Bamboo Quick Control Collar — it’s the most subtly and intuitively designed collar with retractable leash, and works for dogs with necks up to 26″ big.

I’ll have to ask my German Shepherd Major Dukes if he thinks orange is choice…

Using:

My 911 had two backseats with a hump between them, making it an unsafe drive for Major Dukes and my car’s leather. After Googling hard for a dog car seat to fit a Porsche, nothing surfaced. So Rob Phillips at Phillips & Co. Hotrods built a custom ledge for Major to ride on. Now Major can nap safely while he’s driven around in a Porsche by a hot chick in Giuseppes.

Major’s the Jay-Z of dogs…

Using:

Most well-edited dog stores, espesh in LA, aren’t really for dogs: they typically cater to expensive rats leashed to silicone toys.

Thankfully I just discovered Blue Collar dog store in Echo Park, a curated warehouse offering “supplies for the working dog.” Think collars with studs instead of crystals, camo-print mats instead of leopard pillows, and grass-fed bullies instead of tofu treats.

Was that a giggle because Major Dukes rides in a Porsche’s customized backseat?

He earned it. And since Major skirted a career in narcotics, hangs around a chick sporting Giuseppes and mink, he’s the Jay-Z of dogs…

Hating:

This elevated dog feeder tray table vibes like a rejected butler tray table from Jonathan Adler.

Is my bachelorette pad a W hotel for dogs?

Besides, elevated feeders are actually bad for big dogs…

Wanting:

Do you think it’s indulgent of me to buy Major Dukes a Cain & Able lavender dog bath gift basket? Am I ridiculous to think a German Shepherd, no matter how much he cost, appreciates lavender-themed, all-natural shampoo, conditioner, body spray, and paw salve?

Please.

Major’ll find aesthetic irony in the so-bad-it’s-good bone-shaped basket this Cain & Able lavender dog spa gift set comes in…

Hating:

A lavender aromatherapy candle designed for a dog?  For use “during bath time to help keep your pet calm and relaxed”?

As Major Dukes is better educated than 99.91% of mankind, he’s not sure if he’s more offended when pets are humanized for marketing reasons or out of misguided sincerity.

I told him the latter offends me more, but Major said after we finish taking photos for my blog, he’ll re-read Nietzsche’s Animal Philosophy and get back to me…

Using:

I was tempted to spritz Major Dukes with my daily L’Artisan Parfumeur, and though the scent’s not a high-note feminine, I didn’t think a dude dog ought to smell like a tubereuse.

But there’s something relaxing, fresh, and unisex about lavender.

Especially when Cain & Able lavender dog cologne doubles as a bug repellent and it’s spritzed on a 75-pound German Shepherd that’s faster and quieter than a bullet…