Wanting:

I had the billion-dollar idea of inventing a retractable leash built into a dog collar.

So did a few other companies.

And thank god the inc.’s beat me to the punch — it turns out a dog collar with a built-in retractable leash is a 50-grand brain fart. These retractable-leash collars are on sale here, here, and here.

The best is Bamboo Quick Control Collar — it’s the most subtly and intuitively designed collar with retractable leash, and works for dogs with necks up to 26″ big.

I’ll have to ask my German Shepherd Major Dukes if he thinks orange is choice…

Wanting:

This James Perse limited-edition dog bed is true what works for the brand: carefully casual, California cool, with a ridick price tag.

I hate anything patterned — check that light text to the left — , and I still want this James Perse dog bed for Major Dukes…

Using:

Most well-edited dog stores, espesh in LA, aren’t really for dogs: they typically cater to expensive rats leashed to silicone toys.

Thankfully I just discovered Blue Collar dog store in Echo Park, a curated warehouse offering “supplies for the working dog.” Think collars with studs instead of crystals, camo-print mats instead of leopard pillows, and grass-fed bullies instead of tofu treats.

Was that a giggle because Major Dukes rides in a Porsche’s customized backseat?

He earned it. And since Major skirted a career in narcotics, hangs around a chick sporting Giuseppes and mink, he’s the Jay-Z of dogs…

Hating:

This elevated dog feeder tray table vibes like a rejected butler tray table from Jonathan Adler.

Is my bachelorette pad a W hotel for dogs?

Besides, elevated feeders are actually bad for big dogs…

Wanting:

Do you think it’s indulgent of me to buy Major Dukes a Cain & Able lavender dog bath gift basket? Am I ridiculous to think a German Shepherd, no matter how much he cost, appreciates lavender-themed, all-natural shampoo, conditioner, body spray, and paw salve?

Please.

Major’ll find aesthetic irony in the so-bad-it’s-good bone-shaped basket this Cain & Able lavender dog spa gift set comes in…

Hating:

A lavender aromatherapy candle designed for a dog?  For use “during bath time to help keep your pet calm and relaxed”?

As Major Dukes is better educated than 99.91% of mankind, he’s not sure if he’s more offended when pets are humanized for marketing reasons or out of misguided sincerity.

I told him the latter offends me more, but Major said after we finish taking photos for my blog, he’ll re-read Nietzsche’s Animal Philosophy and get back to me…

Using:

I was tempted to spritz Major Dukes with my daily L’Artisan Parfumeur, and though the scent’s not a high-note feminine, I didn’t think a dude dog ought to smell like a tubereuse.

But there’s something relaxing, fresh, and unisex about lavender.

Especially when Cain & Able lavender dog cologne doubles as a bug repellent and it’s spritzed on a 75-pound German Shepherd that’s faster and quieter than a bullet…

Hating:

The Y.Bowl elevated pet bowl seemed choice: matte black metal prongs offered my bachelorette pad chic minimalism; a large stainless steel bowl offered my German Shepherd Major Dukes easy drinking.

And a bath for his paws.

While Major Dukes is more skilled than most people, a little slurpy-slurp, and the Y.Bowl dog bowl was upside down on my carpet…

Hating

Go Pet Design’s modern designer dog crate gets praised as the Bertoia Chair of dog crates.

Go Pet Design’s modern wire dog crate is gorgeous, sure. But it’s hard to imagine it sitting seamlessly in your pad, or being cozy for your dog.

If you want a choice modern dog crate, why not choose one that looks and works like furniture?

Buying

This luxury wood dog crate is larger and cheaper than the DenHaus designer dog crate I suspect it’s heavily inspired by.

Ayn Rand biographies, Edith Wharton novels, and Jimmyjane candles stacked on the top, a highly trained German shepherd named Major Dukes lounging in the bottom.

So choice…