Wearing:

This Diane von Furstenberg “Indina” jacket reminds me of a ’20s starlet’s monkey jacket.

Only Diane von Furstenberg doesn’t respect animals enough to use them in her designs.

Shame on you, Ms. von Furstenberg.

This Mongolian fur may be faux, but the Aloha Rag sale I got it from in Honolulu is real and alive…

Hating

This Chanel fur duffle bag makes me want to go vegan…

Wearing

While I lived in New York, freelancing as a writer and finishing up a BA in Pseudo-Intellectual Masturbation, I had a zoo of vintage fur muffs: sheared rabbit dyed to look like leopard, choco mink, and the wildest wiry black pelt, all lined in satin and interior pockets. Fur muffs are genius: why fumble with gloves and a bag when you could slip in and out of something so chic?

I dig this Sang A fox fur muff for its form and function, though I’m back in Hollywood, where it’s considered a stay-at-home snow day if it rains…

Barbara Bui boot $745 $670 with promocode “kristopher” *, ShopJake.com

Life’s not a bitch, life’s a beautiful woman with legs ready to spread.

Because of brain, you can dine with her on animals twice as brawny as you, without any more effort than lifting your little finger for a waiter.

You can bed her in a flat higher than fowl fly, you can travel with her faster than a cheetah, you can–

Dress for life in an urbane Barbara Bui boot, made of three different beasts: black suede, black fox fur, black patent leather.

The Barbara Bui boot’s 4½” heel is all ambitious arch, like life should lie down and curve her back for you.

It’s good to be on top–of the food chain.

* GET 10% OFF SHOPJAKE.com WITH PROMOCODE “KRISTOPHER” UNTIL JANUARY 1, 2008.

These D&G Dolce & Gabbana gloves are perfect for the next time a man disrespects you: a fast whack on his face and he’ll turn a cherry red that’ll complement the boss black leather and lapin (that’s French for “expensive rabbit fur”).

Asking you to be his wife, and not his mistress.

How dare he.

Proposing a long-term lease with an allowance, instead of pay for performance…

What does he think? That you’re bad in math and bed?

» Dolce & Gabbana gloves $315, Net-a-Porter

Dear Kristopher,
I recently bought a pair of fur boots. They are knee-high and beige grey. They are real fur, and I’m uncertain of how to wear them without coming across as ordinary, awkward, or a Chewbacca! Do you have any advice?

Thanks,
Camilla

I’m always full of advice, always full of soy lattes, always full of _____ (feel free to leave a comment and fill in the blank, you dirty, lovely things).

It’d be obvious to rock your fur boots with some second-skin pants and a tunic, but–

You’re not obvious. So check this boss little red dress by Karen Zambo Vintage Couture ($330). Neither vintage nor couture, it’s a simple shift in a red, sunset print, and the fresh frock will style cheeky chic against your furry boots, without being overly gimmicky.

Unlike this punch line.

XXXO,
K

» Fur boots $375 $225 via ColeHaan.com

» Want to know how to rock a leopard skirt, where to buy trashy lingerie, or the meaning of life? Email KRiSTOPHER.

An blob of brown fur, just because this Vivienne Westwood designer dud dubs itself “lapin” instead of plain rabbit fur, excuse my fucking French, but even a couple-grand price tag won’t make me question my boss taste and consider this Vivienne Westwood bag grand.

So why might I still invest in the Vivienne Westwood bag?

I’m just courting PETA love, and I figure $2,085 is about what I’d pay a publicist for the press I might get toting this Vivienne Westwood tote with a chihuahua smothering in it.

While I enjoy a veal salad and sip a soy latte.

» Vivienne Westwood bag $2,085, Net-a-Porter

Though Christian Louboutin put an Alpaca to non-use, and I do love animals more than PETA–

This Christian Louboutin bag is double-kill with calfskin handles, and it isn’t even haute.

Or hot.

A blob of brown fur, maybe if Christian Louboutin worked in an endangered animal I’d dub it boss.

» Alpaca Christian Louboutin bag $1,695, Saks

Sandals iced with mink vibe the max in gratuitous fur, in lavishly anti-Bambi luxe, but really —

It’s only because your girl named Kristopher adores animals more than PETA that she’s lusting for these Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, these mink and purple velvet babies, baby.

I’d love to add a new pet to my menagerie —

Snaky clutches, Marc-y Marc Jacobs leopard-print trenches, ostrich-skinned arm candy, ponyhair pumps, lamb capelets crowd my L.A. zoo so far.

— And my jazz baby-era building won’t allow standard-sized poodles.

» Velvet and mink Giuseppe Zanotti shoes $336 via Bluefly

[Republished from ThisNext's blog]