I’ve always wanted to wear black marabou slippers, and sliding them on as soon as I walk into Kristopher Dukes, Inc.’s 1929 Spanglish headquarters feels perfect.

So does the fact that my name is Kristopher, I’m attracted to men, and I live near West Hollywood…

The worst part about these microfiber dust mop slippers is that I know they work.

If this is what a German shepherd has reduced me to, reproduction may be suicide…

Hermès limited-edition “So Black” Kelly 32 retourne bag, with black box leather and black hardware.

I dig this so much I didn’t even want to blog it…

Sometimes my burgundy, bed-head bob is more pure poodle than cleverly disheveled. The days I’m a dog lady too lazy to tame my bob, I slick it back in a paintbrush-stub ponytail.

I know.

A head scarf could be better, but an Hermes silk scarf a la Jackie O felt too obvious.

And then I saw this Hermes silk scarf, “De Passage A Tokyo”: its seemingly simple skyline sketch shows off the rich color Hermes scarves are known for, with its subtle rainbow of reds.

And then I realized this Hermes “De Passage A Tokyo” silk scarf was already sold.

I knew Hermes scarves were too obvious.

Not like my carefully concealed disappointment…

Sorry I went missing.  I’ve been busy holidaying, restyling my anti-badware blog, Faster, PC! Clean! Clean!, and –

Heavily researching Form 3, a new waterproof, rechargeable vibrator that Jimmyjane mailed me.

Form 3 is Jimmyjane’s latest, and the vibe vibes with the adult luxury line’s usual elegant minimalism: an iPodesque charging dock, a subtle settings switch, and form-is-function design that curves Form 3 into an extension of your hand.

I’m afraid I’ll need to dedicate a few more weeks to lonely R&D…

Despite leopard spotting every runway, it’s a timeless print.  Espesh in silk cut into a simple robe.

This is my holiday gift to Major Dukes, my German Shepherd.  My wearing this — and some Giuseppe mules — on his morning walk ought to provide him with a classic Hollywood crazy to bark at.

And, no, I don’t mean me…

Hating:

Sprayology PMS Support is an FDA-regulated,  homeopathic spray that promises to relieve fluid retention, cramps, and emotional fluctuations.

I’ve got a natural remedy for PMS: turn off Sex and the City, and keep your thoughts and those bonbons off your tongue…

After discovering a $20 ionic hair dryer that blew away my $200 T3 Bespoke Labs hair dryer, I questioned investing in another Bio-Ionic brush. Its patented Bristle Locking System and nano-ionic hybrid mineral molded into the bristles and brush barrel felt like multi-syllabic marketing copy that justified plenty of pretty plastic packaging. And while the square barrel of the Bio-Ionic BlueWave Nano-Ionic Conditioning Brush supposedly prevented the unwanted curling traditional round brushes leave you with, that felt like a design detail only a pro stylist could make the most of.

But Sally Saito, my hair guru at Umberto’s, pimped Bio-Ionic brushes to me years ago, and I listen to Sally. So I bought the Bio-Ionic BlueWave Nano-Ionic Conditioning Brush, and it works: my hair is smoother, faster.

But then again, the old Bio-Ionic brush it replaced was filthier than my mouth…

Years ago Sally Saito, my hair stylist at Umberto’s, sold me a bottle of Moroccanoil oil treatment: it’d last over a year since just a drop would make my burgundy, bed-head bob silky. She was right.  But when I — finally — recently ran out,  I tried pure argan oil instead.  The result?  It looked like I’d dumped pure argan oil in my hair.  Then I, on a whim, I picked up a Brazilian hair oil at Whole Foods.  A half-dollar-size drop wouldn’t work, so I used a quarter of the bottle in my hair.  The result?  It looked like I’d dumped a quarter of a bottle of Brazilian hair oil from Whole Foods in my hair.

Thankfully, Moroccanoil’s PR mailed me a care package of Moroccanoil shampoo, conditioner, and classic oil treatment.  As much as I loved the hair-relaxing results of my Keratin treatment for our honeymoon month, its price of $400 plus 48 hours of wearing my hair flat-ironed straight is a touch much, even for me.

My vanity is only matched by my laziness, after all.

And my intelligence: my guess is that a full Moroccanoil hair regimen gives hair almost as good as a Keratin treatment…

My golden bottle of L’Artisan Parfumeur Tubereuse is like most beauties — a heavy-packing pain to travel with, especially when I’m only in Vegas for a few days.

Scent Genie travel atomizer finally makes it easier — flick off the cap of your favored fragrance, stick your Scent Genie on top of its naked nozzle, pump like you’re in a porno, and voila…