With Sony Ericsson’s “Pureness” mobile phone, you can only talk, text, and tell the time. How refreshingly simple.

Only that means in place of my iPhone I’ll also have to stuff my Hermes bag with an Amazon Kindle, laptop, digicam, and small recording device that plays a “We’re sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected…” message like the “Disconnected” iPhone app. (Feel flattered if you’ve heard that after dialing my number–it means you’ve made an impression.)

Sony’s take on complicated minimalism is inspiring. I’ll also take my stereo, AC, and lights out of my Porsche, drive around with a boombox and battery-powered fan, and just lean out my window and shine a flashlight down the road at night…

If you believe RAW Natural Beauty, not only does the RAW Natural Beauty eyeshadow trio in “Artic” create a killer smoky eye, but their mineral makeup’s age-defying active botanicals will ensure I’m still smoking when I maintain my daily face in my 50s. Not that anyone’ll know I’m 50.  Lying about one’s age is cheap, but so’s advertising it.

I know, I’m wise for a 19-year-old…

A few weeks ago I visited Norma Kamali’s showroom/retail space in midtown Manhattan. PR lady Sari gave me the tour, and when we stopped in Norma Kamali’s Wellness Cafe I bought Norma Kamali lavender candies, lavender soda, and lavender tea (and they gave me this dress).

Curious how flower candies taste? Try Norma Kamali’s Gourmet Travel Kit of olive oil, lavender tea, and honey lavender drops.  Norma Kamali looks as fresh as her Walmart models, so while I wait for her line of organic, free-trade, vegan Botox, I’ll  drink whatever holistic Kool-Aid she sells…

This Salvador Dali perfume bottle, if you believe its seller, looks and smells as good as when it was created in 1985. With a frosted glass nose and a Dali-signed pair of lips, the real appeal is the Salvador Dali-designed perfume bottle, though the scent is supposedly as charming, and picked by Dali: a blend of rose and jasmine, the rose celebrated Mrs. Dali’s rose garden, while Dali wore a sprig of jasmise behind his ear as he believed the flower to be a hallucinogen.

So why do I hate such a charming piece of art? I can’t figure out how to justify buying this Salvador Dali perfume bottle, since I’ve been stuck on a non-transferable perfume for years. Though for forty bucks, who cares…

Usually called the Cartier “Dali” watch, Cartier’s melted watch is really the Cartier “Crash” watch, and Salvador Dali had nothing to do with the design, though he’d appreciate the twisted story:

“A vice president from the Cartier offices in London was involved in a fatal car crash. A fire ensued and the occupant along with his watch was caught up in the flames… “melting” the watch on his wrist, a Cartier Bagnoire Alongee, which is shaped like an elongated oval. The watch being melted and mangled took on the shape of a surrealistic watch from a Dali painting… Cartier found this “watch design” inspiring, and decided to introduce is as a new design, as a tribute to their fallen colleague.”

Cartier “Crash”/”Dali” watches are rare, though they had a few runs: first in the 1960s, 300 18K gold pieces were made in 1991, a special platinum edition was made in 1993, and Cartier re-released the “Crash” watch as a ladies’ diamond dress watch. The last edition of the Cartier “Crash”/”Dali” watch comes in 18K yellow, white, or rose gold. The rose gold “Crash” watch is the most choice: it’s set with rare, rose diamonds. Even if you can find one, the rose gold Cartier “Crash” watch retailed for $73,000…

Before Murakami stamped cherry blossoms onto Louis Vuitton bags, Salvador Dali designed a “Bird In Hand” compact for compact manufacturer Elgin in 1952. Sweetly Surrealist, the bird’s wings lift to reveal powder, the tail hides a space for pills, and you tug off the bird’s head to access your tube of lipstick. Salvador Dali “Bird In Hand” compact comes in satin bronze, too, but this sterling silver version is choice, espesh with 14K overlay on its wings…

Pour this Origins The Way of the Bath Matcha Tea body soak into your evening bath, and drown out all those mornings you wanted to swim in your matcha green tea…

I used to suck down seven soy lattes a day and snort lines of espresso grinds around midnight — sleep was a waste of time.

Then I discovered matcha green tea. A premium powder of ground-up green tea leaves, matcha is higher in antioxidants than regular green tea, and whisking matcha and boiling water into a cup of jade froth makes for a better a.m. ceremony than whining in line at Starbucks.

Le Palais Gourmet matcha green tea is especially fine. When you open its canister, the bright green powder smells like an idealized version of a spring morning: sweet and alive.

Which is lovely. But the best part?

Matcha green tea gives you a higher, smoother buzz.

“Sleeping” is always better as a euphemism…

So I listen to too much Jay-Z.

Months ago, I had a pinkie ring planned: a white gold square up to my little knuckle, with a “K” lightly hand-etched on.

And then I saw this photo of Coco Chanel.

Of course…

How simply choice is a thumbprint replacing a family crest on a signet ring? But since this ring is pimped by a gallery, I wonder: is this Gerd Rothmann “Signet” ring a statement about vain individuality replacing tribal pride? Or is fingerprinting a “signet” ring — which were traditionally used to authenticate official documents — a wink at how privacy and security have dissolved? Or –

Could any other blog post better illustrate that I have a bachelors degree in Pseudo-Intellectual Masturbating?

Let’s discuss…