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Sluts are people who don’t love sex.

Sluts rarely realize that making lust is making a trade of respect. Sluts never know that sex is the top expression of admiration, that an orgasm is pure pleasure achieved appreciating the one you’re with.

Sluts don’t do 99 dudes they esteem. Sluts sleep with a single loser they barely understand; they’re missionaries about monogamy with partners who never value them.

Sluts lead an empty life full of unchosen, Platonic pals. Sluts–

Won’t wear f**k-you shoes like these.

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Your New Year should be unapologetically bright, timelessly in the now, ambitiously arched, your New Year should be real luxury: a beautiful celebration of pure pleasure, of gorgeous selfishness, of–

Breaking up with your toyfriend.

If there’s something to work out, it’s not working.

And if you end up missing five hard inches of smart sex, buy Giuseppes.

They’ll do you better, I promise.

If only because they can’t talk and demand you menage with other chicks.

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pas·sive ag·gres·sive in·come [pas-iv uh-gres-iv in-kuhm] noun. income you thought would be passive, but you have to secretly work for.

Ex: You thought your rich fiancé was easy money, but he’s turned into passive-aggressive income: you need to arrange threesomes to keep your stock of Giuseppes multiplying.

I need your advice. I want to find the best dress to match my fabulous shoes. It is a leopard-skin and red patent leather Guiseppe Zanotti shoe. Suggestions on the type of dress to showcase the shoe?
- Raysa

Your boss Giuseppe Zanotti shoes say it all: sex isn’t dirty or mushy.

Sex is sharp like a 4¼” stiletto, rough like leopard-print ponyskin, sex should be ambitiously arched, and sex will–

Cost you.

Just like this jersey turtleneck Bi La Li dress. A slightly second-skin cover-up set off by an open back, like your Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, the shift says you’re a freak on the streets and a lady between the sheets.

Wait, scratch that, reverse it.

Then bend it over backwards.

XXXO,
K

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» Bi La Li dress $400, eLUXURY

With the funeral of the N-word performed by NAACP delegates determined to bury “greatest child racism ever birthed,” it’s time to mourn in your best black.

A racial slur worthy of the compliment of a funeral ceremony literally attended by hundreds, virtually witnessed by millions thanks to its front-page spread on CNN.com deserves only the most respectful black, a la these rhinestone Giuseppe Zanotti shoes.

Funeral black but as showy as a Jay-Z jam about yachts and N-words, these Giuseppe Zanotti shoes are fitting for the Paris Hilton-worthy publicity and controversy-cache the N-word has received thanks to its burial (all of which will of course dissuade rappers eager for publicity from using the slur).

I can only hope the passing-on of the W-word–cough, “whitey,” cough–gets such a celebratory ceremony and pretty PR.

I’d love to break in a boss LBD that makes my white ass bootylicious.

» Rhinestone Giuseppe Zanotti shoes $650, eLUXURY