New Yorkers brag about not trekking above or below 14th Street. Pffft. I was in the city earlier this month, and most my roaming was limited to five minutes within the Mercer Hotel.

Mostly because Upper East Sider Amy Kernahan was too booked to touch-up tattoo my semi-permanent brows. (As she should be, she’s good.)

But it worked out well — my German shepherd Major Dukes got to piss on the Soho set of a YSL commercial, and around the corner at Japanese non-brand Muji, I found this Muji shawl collar, wrap cardigan.

Ah, to see the world framed in the grate of the 6 train…

This faux sheepskin, hooded shawl wrap jacket may not look much flat on your PC screen, but imagine wearing it on a winter morning, with black cigarette sweatpants, Porsche-gray Hermes Oran sandals, and pocketfuls of dog kibble…

The only chick who would wear this Trovata plaid boyfriend shirt dress deserves a boyfriend who would wear a shirt like this…

Whenever I wear one of my bespoke shirt dresses, a man stops me and asks me if I’m wearing a dress or a shirt. Chicks look me up and down, and maybe ask me where I bought my shirt dress. I never tell them, but I dig you so much that I’ll share: I’ve had them made by Belgian-born shirtmaker Freddy Vandecasteele.

When Freddy Vandecasteele first measured me, I told him I wanted a shirt dress that fit well, but short and loose enough that it might be mistaken for a boyfriend’s buttondown. My first bespoke shirt dress was Oxford blue cotton, and the second was black linen. Both had a “KD” monogram that matched the fabric. I loved the Oxford blue bespoke shirt dress for its classic menswear vibe, but I loved the linen more for its minimal maintenance: it looks lovely wrinkled.

So for this July’s Basque Country trip, I had Freddy Vandecasteele make me three more shirt dresses, in linens in classic menswear colors…

I’m a sucker for A-line silhouettes, but I’m not sure I’ve seen a worse way to blow $500 than this Black Fleece pleated dress.

Unless you gave a gay man $500 to tell you you’ve got a figure that should be hidden under a tent, you’re more a girl than a woman, and you’re bad with money.

Wait, same difference…

I saw this Black Fleece pointelle polo shirt in San Francisco’s Black Fleece boutique — it’s sheer and subtle S-E-X.

So what’s keeping me from buying it? I’m not sure what I’d wear it with, since I don’t sport pants.

I suppose I could wear this Black Fleece polo with just a pair of Giuseppes. Kristopher Dukes, Inc. has Half-Dressed Fridays at the office…

This Norma Kamali for Walmart sweatshirt dress is sold out in everything but the size XL.

Tempting as it is, I already look like an Olsen twin.

I’m too fat to put on any more weight…

Since I’m hardly ever out of my uniform of made-to-order silk tank dresses and shawl-collar wrap coats, I’m not sure when I’d wear this Norma Kamali for Walmart motorcycle jacket. But as it costs less than a bottle of dog shampoo, do I need to know now?

Wait, Major Dukes is barking.

He said I ought to stop blowing dough; he wants an Hermès dog collar.

I told Major that sounded a little fashion victim, and he replied that was interesting coming from a chick who wears five-inch Giuseppes to take him out to potty.

Touché…

I bought this Norma Kamali for Walmart long cardigan to wear with my White Sands deep V-neck, one-piece swimsuit.

I love how a preppy cardigan pairs with a plunge-neck one-piece, a la Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, but how often will I wear the two together?

Very often.

Kristopher Dukes, Inc. has a strict dress code: no panties or pants…